I’ve always had a good relationship with my son, his wife and their children. They have always included me, my husband and my daughter (his sister) in all their events. My daughter has been a single mother with three kids for the last 25 years, without support from her ex-husband, and has worked in factories and cashier jobs while the kids were growing up and attending university (two with full scholarships).
About seven years ago, we helped my daughter buy a basic used car, which she fully intended to pay us back for. Because my husband was still working at the time, we offered to pay for the car to make my daughter’s life easier. She is paying rent, utilities, car insurance and the necessities for herself and three kids.
When my daughter-in-law found out that we paid for the car, she started saying that my daughter should better herself to get a better paying job, and her children should have helped her pay for the car. I tried to explain to her that my daughter has been a single mother since the kids were six-year-old twins and an eight-year-old and was driving a school bus when the twins were babies. She’s worked her whole life. My daughter-in-law was uninterested. I got angry and called her “heartless” but apologized quickly so as not to cause any friction. My 11-year-old granddaughter told me that her mother is vindictive and holds a grudge because my daughter-in-law hasn’t talked to her own family for the last 10 years. (That’s her two sisters, brother and sister-in-law).
This discussion happened at their house when we were over for a BBQ. She practically threw us out.
By the time we got home, she took me off her Instagram, lied to my son that I took her off, and that I said she’s not family. My son is on her side, and she hasn’t talked to me or apologized since.
My son and daughter-in-law live in a big house, take two cruises a year, own two cars and are doing well.
I’m upset and have no idea how to handle it, because it’s very complicated. What do you think I should do, before it gets so bad that I’ll never see them again? I’m already 77 years old.
Outlaw In-laws
My understanding is that your husband is NOT your children’s father. If I’m mistaken, then he should be included in my next sentence. I strongly feel you need to talk to your son on his own. Tell him that you are proud of him and all that he has accomplished, that you love his wife and their children. Explain to him that his sister has not had an easy life, with regards to relationships or finances, and she has had to work hard to support herself and her children.
Impress upon him that if the tables were turned, you’d do the same for him, but fortunately he doesn’t need your help. You were hurt by his wife’s comments and lashed out and you apologized. Impress upon him that you dearly want to be part of his life. You’ll probably need to apologize again, for the sake of peace.
Hopefully, he will hear you.
FEEDBACK Regarding the Cougar Mom (Aug. 16):
Reader – “That 30-ish guy ought to get over himself, be a grownup and find his own domicile. Leave the nest if he’s not happy there! When I was 20, I married an older woman, and it was the best decision of my life. 58 years later and we are still happily married to each other.”
Lisi – I also know a couple with a 12-year age gap, in which she is older than he, and they are very happily married with children.
FEEDBACK Regarding bullying (Aug. 15):
Reader – “Based on my own observations of parents who have effectively dealt with this issue, I maintain that the parents of a bullied child must, first, enrol the child in a good martial arts/self-defence program.
“Second, in the matter of school bullying, the parents must seek legal counsel. This is especially the case when school authorities not only refuse to admit that there is a problem, but blame both the victim and the victim's parents, particularly when the victim effectively fights back.
“It may even be possible to bring legal action against the school, and negative media publicity is the last thing that schools and school board administrators want.”
Lisi – Good points. We also need to include psychological bullying and not only focus on physical bullying. It’s important to teach our children not to hide or be afraid to speak up when someone is hurting them.