My wife has become distant and bossy, like she's running an army base instead of a relaxed home. She's a hands-on, devoted mother to our two daughters, ages eight and ten, and believes they should be exposed to the arts, sports, special interests, etc. She organizes and runs their busy schedules which include a lot of driving and attending their activity events, and she also has a part-time job.

The result is she's constantly ordering me to drive, pick up, be here, be there, cover for her when she's working, bring home dinner, shop, etc., even though I have a demanding full-time job which pays for most of our expenses.

When I complain that it's sometimes near impossible for me to follow orders, she says I'm shirking my parental duties, or not taking our children's needs seriously enough to plan for them ahead. Yet all of their activities are decided without me!

I still love her but rarely have a chance to enjoy her as my wife. Sex is infrequent; she's often too tired. And when she acts like my commanding officer, I sometimes don't even like her.

I'm not trying to take anything away from my daughters' experiences, and would hate to ever leave my family. But I don't think I can keep up with this oppressive regime much longer.

I fear it's going to get worse as the girls get older and more involved in things like tennis, skating, and violin, while my work life also gets more demanding over time.

Overruled

Sit down with your wife and your Blackberries (or whatever event-calendar you use) and start talking. You need to agree on a reasonable schedule for ALL of you, and on a balanced life for everyone in the family.

If the girls are specializing more in particular activities, other programs need to recede from their timetable so that they - and both of you - have some relief from constant time pressures and routine.

Having some down time as well as family time together, are as important to your daughter's development as individuals and people capable of healthy relationships, as are their skills in sports and the arts.

Your wife has wound herself up with her presumed responsibility to direct her children's lives towards every opportunity available.

She needs to hear from you that she's risking her daughters' security from growing up in a happy family with two parents who know how to cooperate, communicate, and stay close. If you can't work this out on your own, get to counseling together, soon.

My parents divorced years ago when I was a teen. I'm now in my early-40s with preteens of my own. My father and his wife are currently having some problems, some of which are about her very troubled son.

Because of their strife, my father's wife has refused to allow his family to visit him at his home. My father lives at least six hours away so we can't just drop in. What should I do about this?

Sidelined

Be a model for your own children (and hopefully for this misguided woman) that families can rise above each other's squabbles and stay connected.

Invite your father to come visit you for a break from the tension. If you have a relationship with your stepmother, ask if you can be of any support to her, too (her having a very troubled son warrants some compassion). If not, stay mum and uninvolved.

My daughter recently had a new baby. Both she and her husband telephoned and sent an email to all the family, with an open invitation for them to come see the new baby.
Five months later, not one of my relatives (aunts/uncles/cousins) has visited. One sibling told me she'd only go if she gets a personal invitation. My family always acts like their major events are more important than ours. We've refused to attend any family functions because of this. Do we just forget our family exists?

Fed Up

It's a crummy family legacy to pass on to another generation through this innocent baby's birth. Rise above it. Help your daughter host a gathering for your closest relatives (siblings first) and invite each personally. If she has room for more, fine, or else she or you should host another gathering.

If you want family, you need to reach out to them, and keep attending get-togethers.