I'm in a two-year relationship, not engaged yet but getting married next year. I'm Canadian, 31; he's Indian, 23.

We've had some miscommunication that leads to fights, plus a power-struggle due to the age difference. I'm established in my career, have my own place, lived on my own for several years. He has not.

I've worked hard to get where I am financially. He's moved in with me and is working to complete testing, so he can start his career. I'm finding it difficult to treat him as an equal partner.

Once we're married, everything becomes "ours" - and he wants to be in charge of the finances. It honestly scares me.

How do I stop feeling like everything's "mine, mine, mine?" I don't want to damage our marriage with a poor attitude. But I can't seem to shake it.

Worrying Ahead

Shake yourself, not these feelings of early warning signals. Since he's not contributing even close to equally, he should NOT control the finances. Yet you cannot have him coming to you cap-in-hand for his needs. You need an agreed plan for a household budget, and personal expenses.

However, first you need a pre-nuptial agreement that designates what's already "yours." You've built up assets and security, on your own efforts. The contract will assure that shared ownership only refers to those assets you two accumulate once married.

(If your jurisdiction grants equality to common-law spouses, you'd better backtrack and get a legal co-habitation agreement going immediately).

Though the age gap between you will seem less once he's also established, there's currently a huge divide in your approach to existing finances. He likely won't like the idea of a pre-nup or co-habitation contract, but you'd be foolhardy to not insist on it.

Once married, you'll have to live as a team, no matter how long it takes for him to contribute equally. Only you know whether you have the generosity of spirit and largesse, to overcome your present discomfort.

A married couple who were my friends inherited money from the husband's parent. I've watched them tear apart their family and friends ever since.

The husband uses his money as a power trip. If you disagree with him, he immediately threatens to call his lawyer and sue. He uses his money against his own wife to get his way.

She won't stick up for herself. She allows him to badmouth her family and others who are only concerned about her and her daughter.

I'm no longer on speaking terms with them, and only hear things through mutual friends, and her mother who's very concerned about her granddaughter's safety. I've heard from many people (and saw myself) that he's getting violent by yelling and getting right up in your face.

Is there anything I can say to help the wife's mother?

Concerned

Bolster the grandmother's sense of responsibility to her grandchild: If she witnesses or suspects physical abuse or sees evidence of ongoing emotional abuse, she must report it to children's services, even if her daughter won't.

She also needs to stay close to her daughter. Hopefully, she can help her eventually see that putting up with this guy's temper, controls, and nastiness, isn't worth the money that he wields in an ugly way.

Your own position must be to remain in the background, since you're no longer a friend. ...unless you personally witness abuse. In the child's case, you'd then have a legal duty to report it, too.

My father-in-law passed away, leaving my husband and each of his siblings a sizable inheritance. The siblings refused to share funeral costs, though they'd chosen the most expensive coffin, flowers, limos, etc. My husband and I were left paying for everything.

He's unemployed; I'm back to school. The inheritance would've covered our bills and mortgage. Now we have nothing left. The siblings still refuse to pay their share. Is this a lost cause?

Doormat

Something of the family history is being buried here. Why would your husband step up to pay? He could've insisted the funeral home divide the bill, and walked away having paid his part. He could've looked at the choices his siblings made before the actual service, and been as stubborn as they about resisting them.

More likely, the dynamic in this family is set in stone. The money's a lost cause, BUT your husband can start changing his responses.