My relationship with my boyfriend of two years began online and developed slowly over three months. We were both divorced (he, just a year before we met). We each have an adolescent child.

We grew intimate, passionate, and supportive, expressing mutual love. However, he didn’t speak much about the future, refused to make plans even weeks ahead. Last summer, he attended his 30th high school reunion, but didn’t invite me.

His best friend flew here for the reunion. I became concerned when he didn’t invite me to meet his best friend.

Though hurt, I later jokingly asked if there was any woman there that he may’ve had a crush on, or vice versa. He laughed it off, but mentioned a recently divorced woman who’d emailed him before the reunion.

Three months later, he began to act distracted and would often ask when I was leaving, as if he just wanted to know to plan dinner.

I became very insecure and finally and asked if he was interested in another woman, citing his recent behavioral change.

He became defensive, denied interest in anyone else, and scolded me for my questioning. Two weeks later we had a very insignificant fight over our weekend plans.

The next day, he sent me a text telling me it was over, that I pushed him away with my suspicious nature and insecurity.

That same day he friend-ed on Facebook, along with a sudden change to "single" status, the divorced woman from high school. They instantly began dating.

Was this my fault, pushing him away, or did my boyfriend have this woman on his radar for months, finally deciding to go after an easy opportunity?

I’m really suffering from the breakup and the guilt he put on me. But, I also feel like a fool for being his transition woman after his divorce. Was he not ready?

Sad in San Francisco

The trouble with being the Transition Partner is you don’t know till the transition is over.

BUT, most people, especially those who’ve been through a divorce themselves, know that it takes time to absorb the huge personal upheaval of that experience. The first relationship to follow is often a refuge, but frequently it’s not a lasting home.

So where does all this leave you? Forget “guilt.” He “put it on” you to deflect from feeling it himself. A fool? No. You had honest feelings for him, but were aware he’d rushed into it too soon. He was NOT ready then. He may not even be ready now for this next woman.

But you are ready, next time, to speak up sooner.

Our friend lives in a small bachelor apartment with two cats that go onto tabletops and into kitchen cupboards, though their paws have been in the litter box.

She's inviting us for dinner. We feel uncomfortable eating there because of the cats. How do we decline without hurting her feelings? We can't suggest eating out because she’s on a tight budget and wants to reciprocate/treat us.

Is Honesty Okay? 

Be honest about not knowing cats. They’re generally considered extremely clean, constantly self-grooming. Ask her, gently, whether living with cats makes her immune to any germs they carry? And, by contrast, whether you two are NOT immune.

If her explanation doesn’t satisfy, insist on contributing. Bring a one-pot main dish, and eat sparingly of everything else.

OR, tell her you so appreciate her, but can’t be around cats.

My mother-in-law has terminal cancer, spread to her bones and lungs. Her husband still expects her to cook and clean up. It especially bothers me when she’s too ill to eat herself. It’s disturbing when she’s throwing up in a bucket while cooking.

Or, he’ll cook unhealthy meals for her with no veggies. I’m visiting often and see this.

I cook and bring food. He criticizes my cooking. He made her accompany him on a three-day road trip to see his mother, despite her reluctance.

Angry and Hostile

Her time’s limited, and she’s choosing or accepting to continue as she always has. Continue to help her, but ignore his criticism.

When visiting, focus only on her. Stay supportive and positive. Any hostility toward him will only upset her, when she’s doing her best to keep going.

Don’t be surprised if he later grieves deeply, and this old, dominant pattern is all he could handle.