My best friend’s boyfriend is very flirtatious but my friend doesn’t seem to mind. She bravely says, "He’s a player and he’ll always be one.”
He also rarely works, while she works at four jobs to keep them going.
We once asked her, if we see him with another woman, would she want to know? She gave a resounding “Yes!”
Last month, my boyfriend and I saw her boyfriend at a club, holding another woman's hand.
He took off as soon as he saw us.
I haven’t told her yet because I’m sure she’ll say he’s just being himself, and he was with “a friend.”
What should I do? Is it worth telling her when she’s in denial?
Out A Player?
She already knows, but doesn’t want to know.
If you bring this sighting, or any other to her face, you’d need to be absolutely sure he’s cheating with someone and not just out with a “friend.”
And to what purpose? She’s long ago decided that it’s okay to be with a player, who’s also a user, whom she’s supporting through considerable effort.
Unfortunately, your friend must have very little self-confidence to believe that he’s the best she can get. Or, she’s blinded by love as well as low self-esteem.
What you saw in the club is too easily dismissed.
If you ever have real goods on the guy, tell her you’re concerned that accepting this player will result in her getting a sexually transmitted disease. Add that you’re now positive that he’s having at least one affair.
Protecting her health, instead of her self-image, may be the one thing to which she’ll pay attention.
Meanwhile, stay close without judging her. She’ll need all her supportive friends one day.
Ellie, you’ve had many letters from young women voicing concerns about their boyfriends or young husbands using porn.
However, it seems that no one is talking about women in long-term marriages whose husbands are now consumed with porn.
It leaves women like me feeling destroyed and alone.
I’m fit, attractive for my age, still full of vim and vigor, yet I live a life of loneliness.
When my husband’s home, he sits at his computer looking at porn. Instead of coming to bed with me, he stays up all night looking at porn.
When he's out of town, he's at strip clubs. And I’m the one who feels shame and humiliation!
If our grown children knew about this, I don't know what they’d think.
I know from my research that this has now moved into sex addiction behaviour and that the Internet is like the crack cocaine of this type of addiction.
Can I be the only one who’s going through this? What would you advise women living with this nightmare?
Where To Turn?
I’m certain that other women in your situation will soon let us know they’re out there, and I’ll publish their responses.
Here’s my answer: Contact a lawyer and your bank to make sure your accounts and assets can’t be diverted, and leave him to his porn.
Get counselling for yourself to put the shame where it belongs - not on you. Tell your children straight up what’s been going on and how long you endured it.
If this doesn’t shock him into seeing a sex therapist to deal with his addiction plus try to win you back, end the marriage.
The loneliness of being with someone who ignores, neglects, and humiliates you is far greater than creating a fresh start on your own.
FEEDBACK Regarding the man whose parents were non-supportive after his nasty breakup (March 21):
Reader – “I’ve had a similar experience with my parent, which continues to this day.
“My ex-husband of 10 years ago continues to contact, visit, and be invited to family functions, which I am not.
“We didn’t break up badly, but their obvious "siding" with him has made a co-parenting relationship unnecessarily difficult.
“Somehow in their mind, their relationship with him is needed.
“My advice to this young man would be to limit his relationship with his parents.
“Obviously, they have no respect for him or for his feelings. Chances are that they’ve "betrayed" him before and will again.”
Resigned to my Parents’ Faults
Ellie – You make a good point, that when family members behave in a way that counteracts or ignores another relative’s wishes, there’s often some history involved. It doesn’t justify their behaviour but may explain it.
Tip of the day:
A friend, who accepts a partner’s cheating, will eventually need more support than judgment.