He’s 43, I’m 32; we met in Montreal five years ago and hit it off immediately. He’d visit me in Toronto every couple of weeks. Eventually, he found a job in Toronto.
He’d live with me Monday to Friday, return to Montreal on the weekend (or stay if we had plans). This arrangement hasn’t changed in three years.
I'm starting to feel it’s as good as it gets.
Last night, I spoke of my dreams and hopes of sharing a life together and even marriage. He quickly said that I wanted those things a lot more than he does.
I asked how long he needed to figure out his hopes for our relationship, which I feel is stagnating. His response: Another year.
We had this conversation last year and he’d asked for a year then.
He bought a place in Montreal three years ago. I've offered to move there, if needed, to grow our relationship. But I'm unsure if he wants the same things that I want.
Is it time to cut my losses?
Waiting for What?
He’s got what he wants – a place to stay where he works, and his own place in Montreal when he no longer wants the relationship. He doesn’t want anything more.
He’s had the year he asked for. You’ve given enough to a relationship that won’t grow… not unless he changes and there’s no sign of that happening.
Tell him to find another place to live in Toronto. You don’t have to be angry – he hasn’t lied to you - just be firm that you need to move on in order to find what you want with someone who feels the same way.
My husband's sister is going through a "war-of-the-roses" divorce after 35 years of marriage. Her husband had an affair and is now with that woman.
Everyone in the large extended family always liked her husband and wondered how he put up with her miserable, angry ways for so long.
Now she’s spewing vile and venom at everyone via accusatory email, e.g. she states that we’re pathological liars, psychopaths, and narcissists. We were a target because it got back to her that we recently saw her husband at a local fundraising event.
So far, we’ve just tried to stay clear of her.
My husband answered that he was sorry about their break-up and her pain, and he’d do anything he could for her. But he’d always liked her husband, she couldn’t tell him with whom he could associate. She followed with more venom.
I really want to fight back, but I also know that email fights are stupid and dangerous.
What do we do, on a personal and on a family level? We’re all older adults with adult children and it’s tearing a once-close family apart.
We do understand her pain, to a degree.
Dealing with Venom
Back off, with no more email responses. Let time do whatever healing she’ll allow.
Tell your adult children and family members you speak to about this, that you hope they’ll do the same, and try not to react. It’s resolving nothing.
You can try and use Christmas for an attempt at bridging the silence, with a card that’s simple and wishes her well. Or, if her anger’s still directed at family, it’s too soon.
You may then have to wait several more months before contacting her again, showing interest in her well-being, and trying to renew a family-based connection. But it may not be possible.
FEEDBACK Regarding your video advice of October 24, to the woman whose partner “can’t perform intimacy:” http://www.thestar.com/news/2014/10/21/ellie_s_relationship_minute_my_partner_can_t_perform.html
Reader – “I'm 59, and with an amazing woman who at 60 has the libido of someone 37, and I can't keep up!
“But it’s not all about “performing.” We have a great time in bed, in the living room, in the kitchen, and in our attitudes.
“There are fingers and toes and noses and tongues and eyes and words and thoughts that all contribute towards a great time and intimacy.
“Will I feel as comfortable about the situation in five years? Don't know, but I've always been confident in my own abilities in other un-positive situations and I think I always will.
“Sex is always fun and meaningful, it just isn't always what other people define it as.
“Create your own definition and rejoice. I hope that guy can, otherwise his partner does need to move on, as Ellie said.”
Tip of the day:
When you know that a relationship’s stagnating, it’s been that way too long.