I'm switching careers and moving to my hometown to be with my fiancée.
I have a job on a day-by-day contract, and may not get calls or income for the first weeks.
I do have savings.
My fiancé lost his job two weeks ago and is upset.
I’m now working an extra week at my current job, packing up, and trying to prep myself for my new career.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and resentful.
I wanted to discuss finances, in case we both have no income longer than expected.
I'm fine using my savings for rent, moving/new place expenses, food, and gas bills that need to be paid.
He’s not financially savvy, so getting his information was difficult.
Due to some tragic life circumstances, he has no savings.
Also, our ideas on how to spend rainy-day funds differ.
I think it’s time to buckle down after an extremely busy, fun, and expensive summer.
I've been poor and in debt and promised myself, never again.
I've lived extremely frugally before, and can do it again for a month.
He thinks it's fine to still go over to friends’ homes drinking because it’s cheaper than going to bars.
We butted heads, tempers flared, and he ended things.
He said: he couldn't take the stress (he has lingering anxiety from trauma); he wasn't ready for a relationship; we're not meant to be (we're usually great).
I tried to get him to calm down and talk, but he left.
I was numb, but I still had to pack and move.
He came back later and asked to talk. We agreed to stay together and get counselling for communicating and stress.
I conceded just to avoid drama (i.e. paying rent and food until he gets a job, and he can spend money he has on bills and what he wants.)
I now don't want to join our finances, nor stress over if and when his bills are being paid…. let him worry about them.
I suspect that his father (a great man) has been helping him since his tragedy with his finances, and that my fiancé is too embarrassed to admit this.
We're now tentatively good, and talking. But I still feel coldness from him and I’m completely unsure of everything.
Maybe he really isn't ready for a relationship, nor to be on his own without his parents’ help.
How do I get over my anger, hurt, and fear?
When I accepted his proposal, I meant it forever. Now, the fact that he called things off has thrown me for a loop. I don't know how to react.
I want to lash out at him. I want to shield and protect myself. I know these are harmful emotions.
We're supposed to be moving in together next weekend (something we'd dreamed about every night), and now all I feel is dread and sadness and stress.
What should I do?
Get back in touch with what you like and love about each other.
From that base, work back to respecting what each of you comes from - your different upbringings and experiences (especially his past “trauma”).
That will help your counselling process, because it’ll develop from a mutual desire to work things out.
You have to stick with it to get to your goal.
Future stress periods can still trigger old ways of reacting until you learn to empathize with the other’s position.
And then compromise on a way of dealing with new and/or challenging situations.
FEEDBACK Regarding the advisability of talking to "officials" (August 23):
Reader – “1) The young adult who discovered a relative’s past history of child sexual abuse feared talking to local child protection services lest the family be split apart.
‘Instead, the person should check out local services. In my area, an informant's name isn’t released to the family being checked up on.”
Ellie – She had no evidence of current abuse of his own children, suspected some neglect, but wasn’t certain. Your suggestion is a good one.
“2) I’d advise against speaking to a supervisor about a colleague’s compulsive chatter, until having spoken to the man himself.
“If he has a tic that involves talking constantly, he should have the opportunity of addressing it so he doesn’t bother others, before his bosses are brought in.
“Some businesses honestly try to accommodate people with disabilities, but others are just as willing to fire them.”
Ellie – Another good suggestion.
Tip of the day:
Reacting to stress in old, separate ways puts a relationship at risk.