My ex and I broke up a year ago, we’re both 21, both in college. I still love him.
After, he’d text occasionally. I’ve not been with anyone else. Recently, I asked to hang out and he agreed. He said things he knew would make me jealous, like where he’d go during spring break.
I asked him by text to tell me if he doesn't feel the same for me anymore. Several days later, on the phone, he said he thought I’d moved on months ago.
Then he added, "I don't feel the same right now. I'm at a point where I want to focus on me.”
We said our goodbyes and I texted, “I never stopped loving you but I can let you go now.” He said, “I felt like you let go long before the last break up.”
That was two weeks ago. What should I do?
Still Love Him
Stop texting. He’s moved on mentally and emotionally. He doesn’t want to go back over past ground.
First love and first break-up - these are understandably hard experiences. But you’ve each now been able to express some of what you needed to say.
Focus on your life in college, close friends, family, your interests. This is a time for personal growth, not hanging on to a young relationship that’s had its course.
My wife and I are in our 40s, so there’s less frequency for intimacy.
However, we still try to ensure we’re having sex at least once a week.
My wife has also been pre-menopausal for several years. Recently, her drive has decreased and sometimes it’s a struggle for her to have interest at all.
But my drive’s gone the other way and once weekly isn’t enough. I do what I can (masturbation) during the week.
However, added to an added decrease in deep kissing and oral sex, I’m looking at adult content, which just increases my drive, and desire to be with her.
I understand what she has to deal with. However, I cannot fight this desire to want to be with her more.
I know that porn can be a dangerous road and I’m trying to avoid it, but sometimes cannot.
Is there a way we could find a happy medium? Or do I need to accept this is how things go when you get older and make the most of our once-a-week encounters?
Porn isn’t your only outlet. A loving couple can cuddle, fondle, and massage each other, along with masturbation, as part of a sexual “encounter.”
It seems not only your desire has increased but also your anxiety about having “enough” sex. But having one defined day for it likely increases anxiety for you both.
Try a more spontaneous approach even if it’s only once or twice a week. Call her from work to meet for dinner or music you both like, somewhere with a nice vibe. Give each other mutual massages then shower together. Plan a night away.
There are some things to ease menopause and loss of libido, which your wife can try – from natural therapies to lubricants, to seeing her doctor for other strategies.
Meanwhile, the understanding you already have of what she’s experiencing, is very important. Hopefully, she can reciprocate that understanding of your needs.
However, you don’t need porn to the extent that it’s becoming addictive. Suggest watching soft-core porn together, but if she doesn’t like it, go for the old romantic movies you know she loves.
FEEDBACK Regarding the step-daughter who keeps getting tattoos (January 29):
Reader – “There’s another side to such stories. I fell deeply in love with a woman with two children by different fathers.
“I purchased a home where they were treated as equals and dearly loved.
“The oldest became a thief in our and others’ homes. She got in with a bad crowd, group sex, smoking, hash oil, and lying.
“Step-parents have to learn that some children will do anything to break up the family.
“They’re seldom seeking reassurance, but conflict, calling out for war. House rules are ignored. Ultimatums and reduced freedoms are ignored.
“It broke up our relationship though I tried hard to keep us all together.
“She was 13. Mothers rarely take the side of the new man in their life in these situations.
“The daughter should be encouraged or forced to leave. She likely needs psychiatric help.”
A-Sad story. The girl certainly needed assessment, and help.
Tip of the day:
When a relationship has run its course, focus on other important parts of your life.