I'm a university student, aged 25. Last spring, my professor and I fell in love. It was the most amazing two months of constant communication, amazing sex, great conversation, tenderness, and affection.
Then his wife found out, he dropped me immediately and said we couldn't even be friends.
I've gone to his department, and he won't even say hello to me.
In our final phone conversation, he’d said what we had wasn't real, but I don't buy that.
I assume he's just staying with her for the sake of the kids.
How can I get through to him to persuade him to be with me? Or, at least just to be friends for now?
Don’t assume what you don’t know. He may love his wife but had a mid-life “escape fling” with you.
He was wrong to have an affair with a student. Though you’re not a child, it’s still considered a power imbalance, since he held sway over your academic success in his course.
He could lose his job and academic prestige over this affair. Many universities have zero tolerance policies about professor-student relationships.
His wife likely reminded him of that life-altering fact.
That said, you had a strong emotional link to this man. It’s always sad and upsetting when a romantic affair ends. But it can never be re-gained now. Move on for your own better future.
I fell hard and fast for a man, 20 years ago. We were both mid-20's.
He was from another country. I never met his family because they lived half a world away and didn’t speak English, although they knew about me.
After sometimes living together over that year, he went back home for a visit and called me from the airport in Canada.
I never heard from him again. He left his clothes, car, job, and me, without any explanation.
I called all the hospitals and airports anywhere, and found nothing. I had no phone numbers for his family.
I was devastated and so was my family. I grieved for three years.
I eventually dated and got married, later in life. I always thought of him and wondered where he was, what he was doing, and why he did something so terrible. I never totally got over him.
Last week on Facebook, he invited me to be friend. I cried, and accepted his request. He wrote me back and asked for my phone number. I was hesitant but wanted to hear what excuse he could possibly have.
We talked for almost two hours while I mostly cried, and there was no excuse. He said he did call me and broke it off, but that didn’t happen.
I’m married to a fantastic man who doesn't know about him or about us talking. My “ex” is also married with kids. He wants to continue talking.
Common sense says this isn’t going anywhere good. But I can't put those feeling away, though I know he’s full of B.S.
However, I love my husband and my life and don't want to jeopardize us.
Your feelings are about the past. But the present is your life and it’s crucial to not compromise it.
You’ve recognized the fecal content in his “explanation,” so should also realize that he was weak back then and ran away without thinking of how he was hurting you.
He’s still weak, trying to start something, even though he’s married and has kids.
Forget him. He’ll only lead you down a dead-end path of more grief.
FEEDBACK Regarding the Annoyed Friend whose sales-representative friend is always trying to sell her products (August 23):
Reader – “About two years ago, I became very excited about starting a similar home-based business to sell a product that I truly believe in.
“My “manager” was extremely pushy about me making use of my female connections, namely friends and family.
“There are sales tapes and coaching materials that explicitly outline how to get your friends and family to build your business.
“I was equally clear that although I approached everyone with this opportunity, I would NEVER suggest that anyone owed me by hosting a home party or buying product.
“I still feel this is disgraceful. Using sales tactics on people, in my opinion, totally demeans the friendship.
“The writer should know that it may not be the sales rep friend wanting to be pushy, but it is part of the “training” received by the company.”
Tip of the day:
A professor-student affair is risky for both sides, professionally and emotionally.