I met a lady, 34; there’s a 16-year age gap as I’m a 50-year-old male. We enjoy each other’s company and have a great time.
We’ve started to become intimate. She allows me to fondle her and pleasure her, but refuses to touch me or consent to intercourse.
I understand that she may have some issues and am willing to give her some time. I just feel that every time we get closer, she pulls back.
I’m wondering if I’m just fooling myself and should let her go.
She says she needs time to trust someone. I try to reassure her and avoid pushing intimacy unless she initiates it.
I’ve done nothing to make her feel that she cannot trust me. I’m worried that I am going to be the one who’ll get hurt by trying to do the right thing.
Slow but Uncertain
If this were the reverse situation, and a man was the one making sure the pleasure was all his, a woman would - and should - be outraged at the selfishness.
Despite that women are often slower to trust when it comes to intimacy, the fact that this woman assures her own satisfaction and does nothing for yours, is a negative signal.
She’s holding back, stifling the chance for an equal relationship. She may truly be uncomfortable with the age gap, or trust issues, but they don’t get settled with one-sided sexual pleasure.
End your uncertainty and frustration. Move on. If she misses you, only re-connect if she’s willing to share closeness and see where it goes.
We were going to celebrate my late mother-in-law’s birthday, as a family, with my husband’s brother and my sister-in-law (SIL). She agreed to come for cake and tea.
A day before, they cancelled, through phoning my husband’s father.
He then had to tell us that they’ll be throwing their own celebration and he’ll be going there, too, the day after mine. We were not invited.
We phoned to ask why they changed the plans and she had my husband’s brother respond. He said they want to do their own thing.
We asked why they excluded us. My SIL came on the phone, screamed an obscenity, and hung up. This is what she does when she doesn’t like someone questioning her or simply disagreeing.
She then writes a rude blog on Facebook about us with many twisted lies. Then she’ll delete us and demand an apology.
Her husband defends her behaviour and says we upset her by not letting things be.
They since won’t let us see our niece. But they sent our child a Christmas gift after we said we wouldn’t be doing gifts if we can’t see our niece.
They said they’d allow us in her life if we apologize to my SIL.
I feel we did nothing wrong.
She’s a difficult woman and likely always will be. Her husband’s afraid to rock the boat so defends her, which supports her aggressive, reactionary ways.
It’s up to you and your husband to decide what you can accept for the sake of harmony, and what you can’t.
If you want to see your niece for example, a tit-for-tat approach won’t work. You either apologize, even if you don’t mean it, or you ignore her and try to not react.
Most important for your own peace of mind is to stop looking for logic in her actions. She’s got problems that are the unknown source of her bullying manner.
FEEDBACK Regarding the father’s letter about his difficult stepson who has anger issues, is abusive emotionally and physically to his mother, and whose behaviour is threatening this second marriage (Feb. 14):
Reader – “There’s a support group for parents of acting-out youth, which I would like to share with your readers.
“It’s a community-based group of parents helping parents, called "HOPE", "Helping Other Parents Everywhere."
“There’s often, otherwise, very little support for parents of these troubled and troubling youth.
“Weekly meetings allow parents an opportunity to communicate with other parents who’ve been in similar circumstances.
“Here is their website and toll free number:http://www.hope4parents.ca 1-866-492-1299”
Ellie – Parents with troubled and troubling children and youth, need all the help they can get. If you’re in these circumstances and there isn’t such a group in your area, try starting one. Connect with your local community youth agencies, to put out inquiries if there’s any interest from other parents.
Tip of the day:
When a relationship’s unbalanced from the start, it can’t progress naturally.