I just turned 17, my boyfriend’s 53, and only my best friend knows about us.
I’ve been dating and making love to this most amazing man for a year. But I’m now worried.
After we shared our first intimate moment, he insisted that he keep my panties and bra. He likes to sniff them when I’m not with him, to remind him of me. Adorable.
But he’s doing this almost every time we’ve been together!
I bought him a bunch of lingerie but he only keeps them if I’ve worn them. I guess he has a panty fetish and that's fine.
But I got angry when he bought me a bright red bra and panties for Valentine’s Day, but insisted I remove them inside the car and walk to my home wearing no underwear.
Recently, I opened his car trunk to get something and found a box full of women's used panties and bras! Most weren’t mine.
I’ve not confronted him about this. I think he may be stealing from other women, but I’d be devastated if he’s cheating on me.
Just A Fetish?
Some readers won’t believe that your story’s true, because the age difference is so extreme, and the lingerie thefts make this account seem sensationalized.
But I believe that by writing this, you’re truly asking for help.
You’re young and vulnerable to an older man’s attention and the newness of sex.
You’re being emotionally manipulated because he’s using you for disturbing, self-serving reasons.
You’re a teenager sneaking around with a man possibly older than your father. He drives you near home but doesn’t meet your parents. He knows this is wrong.
He steals/collects underwear from many girls and women and is undoubtedly having sex with some of them.
You’re being exposed to contracting sexually transmitted infections, some of which are long lasting.
He’s a predator - sneaky, dishonest, and dangerous for you.
I understand that you felt excited to be involved in a secret relationship.
But it can come crashing down around you, involving your parents, too, when it’s discovered (and it will be) that he’s a predator preying on young victims.
In Canada, and some U.S. states, he could face “sexual exploitation” charges for “grooming” you at 16 to have sex with him.
Protect yourself. You also know that something’s wrong. Don’t see him again.
If you’re scared of his reaction, tell your parents that you made a mistake and don’t want him to contact you again.
Save other girls and contact the police.
I didn't know about my husband’s anger issues before getting married. He uses a combination of shouting, putting me down, pushing me, shaking me, swearing, and destroying/damaging my belongings.
I tried to be patient as he said he’d change, (outbursts went from every two weeks to once a month). He’s super sweet when normal.
But I’m at my breaking point. I’ve lost love for him and fear being honest about it, as he’ll lash out on me. He loves me a lot.
I’m unsure about staying with him or having children together. His parents, who know about his behaviour, tell me not to lose hope. Will he ever change?
He may change, but only if he has regularly scheduled therapy (likely including medication), and stays with the program.
Your remaining the target of abusive physical and emotional outbursts is unacceptable. His parents shouldn’t put that guilt burden on you.
Take a break. Assess whether it’s possible to try again. Or, whether you prefer to separate permanently.
FEEDBACK Regarding the working wife who’s in a stand-off with her working husband about sharing household chores (March 11):
Reader – “You asked if there’s other stuff going on in their marriage to cause a standoff, but from my experience, you don't have to go into stuff regarding their relationship.
“It’s simple: get a cleaning person!
“Early in our marriage my husband requested a complicated dish that his mother used to make. I suggested he make it.
“That started him on cooking. He retired ten years before I did. Before we knew it he was cooking all the meals. He’s a wonderful cook. Our children and grandchildren really look forward to family meals!
“It’s a wonderful interest for him in retirement.”
Ellie - Yes, sometimes the simplest solution works. I, too, suggested whatever cleaning help’s affordable.
It was the tone of the wife’s comments that suggested the possibility of other issues.
Tip of the day:
When someone’s behaviour is upsetting and dangerous, protect yourself and end contact.