My son’s married to a girl from another country, who is sweet, intelligent and speaks perfect English. We’ve welcomed her in our family, even bowing to some of her traditions.
The problem: She speaks to their baby, nine months, in her foreign language, which none of us understand. I told her she’s isolating the baby from us, including her husband, and she only shrugged.
She said it’ll be up to us to teach the baby English, so we can communicate.
I’m losing sleep over this. My son is somewhat concerned, but hasn't said much to his wife. Should I just mind my own business??
- The Mother in Law
You’re on the wrong track. Today, many language-learning experts believe that the best way for a baby to grow up comfortably bilingual is to learn both languages at once, and associate each one in context – i.e. English from one parent, the other language from the parent who speaks it.
Obviously, your son speaks to the infant in English, and so do you. There is no “isolation.”
Your daughter-in-law was wise and kind not to argue with you. And she’s doing your grandchild a favour, since being able to speak many languages is a social and economic benefit in our diverse society; and developing an ear for learning languages early, is the best way to start.
A smart Grandma would pick up some of the words in the “other” language, to participate more fully in this child’s family life.
During our university years, my friend always dressed nicely when he went out, and drank on weekends only. He graduated in 2006, got a job elsewhere and has steadily gone downhill.
Every time we talk, he’s drinking to get over a bad day at work, and recently he got in trouble for dressing sloppily at work. He’s had no luck trying to get a new job.
When he visited me, I was shocked at how badly he looked - smoking, drinking way more than usual, and uncaring of his appearance. I offer him sympathy and moral support, but I think he’s becoming an alcoholic and heading for a breakdown.
How can I help him?
- Concerned in New York
Encourage him to help himself, but be aware that he may brush you off yet still need support if he sinks as low as you anticipate. Suggest that he see his doctor about his health, since he’s under so much stress. It’s an approach likelier to engage him than if you talk about his drinking. Hopefully, a good doctor will pick up on his growing addiction.
Meanwhile, send him information about alcoholism (use his “stress” again, as the reason you’re concerned) – e.g. send him details of the health effects from alcohol abuse, and locations where there are Alcoholics’ Anonymous groups in his area (www.alcoholics-anonymous.org, click on Find A Meeting).
You can’t “save” him, but staying in touch and letting him know you care can make a difference between his slipping into total despair and trying to save himself.
My boyfriend thinks it’s funny to make big burps and break wind loudly, when we’re in a crowded mall or movie. How can I stop him?
- Embarrassed
Walk out. He’s a boor, showing you enormous disrespect, as well as testing you.
If you don’t show that it’s totally unacceptable, he’ll increase his childish and rude behaviour to get a rise from you. Leave him.
My boyfriend, 23, has lived on his own since 18; he makes a decent wage and has good credit.
Yet his meddling mom complains about his spending habits, disapproves of him travelling, and puts me down though I just graduated, have a full-time job and live on my own.
Should I get involved to help him handle his mom’s negativity?
- Worried
The last thing he needs is a girlfriend who “meddles,” too, so let him handle this on his own.
Encourage him to speak up to his Mom - though kindly - pointing to his independence and enjoyment of his life.
He should say, however, that he can’t enjoy their visits if all she does is criticize, and won’t tolerate her insulting you. He appreciates her interest, but her “parenting” is over. So, she either responds positively to how he’s doing, or he’ll spend less time in contact with her.
Tip of the day:
Grandparents need to respect their children’s rights to raise their kids as they choose, so long as there are no abuse issues.
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