I met a wonderful man four months ago.
Having just met his out-of-town family and friends, I’m excited and definitely see him as my future husband.
However, I stumbled upon some suggestive and erotic text messages. I unfortunately snooped further and discovered his online “relations” with women around the continent.
It’s mostly texting, nude photos, and videos - all things I’m open to doing but he won’t try with me (he works out of town every other week).
He says he loves me too much to do "naughty stuff like that," or that I'm too "clean."
I’ve never loved someone the way I love and care for him. I know I got what I deserved for snooping.
What are the steps I can do now to begin to repair the trust (for both of us?)? If I didn't feel this strongly for him I’d run, but I truly feel that he’s worth fighting for.
Seen Too Much
You’ve made your case for fighting for him, but do so on your terms, not his. Since you initially “stumbled” on stuff, don’t get defensive about your snooping.
The bigger issue is whether he’s as committed as you, and assuring you he’s ending all these other “relations.”
You accept it from when he was single. But if he keeps those contacts and continues exchanging erotica with others, then that’s what you’ll have from him even when he’s your husband. So, NO, it’s NOT acceptable any longer.
As for suggesting you exchange nude photos with each other now… wait till you’re certain of trust; you don’t want some of his relations-partners snooping to find you!
My boyfriend of two and a half years is affectionate, smart, sensitive, caring, family-oriented, etc. The one thing that’s bothered me is, that despite finishing a university degree and college diploma, he’s never pursued work in his field. Instead, he found unstable work through a friend doing contract construction. He’s been there for six years.
I’ve been gently encouraging him towards seeking a more stable career as we’ve been talking about a future together. But he hasn't made an effort. I’m 27, and he’s 28.
We moved in together this June, and then he lost his job. I learned he owes $30,000 in taxes to the government. He doesn't have enough savings to cover that.
I’m trying to be supportive but feel he hasn't been honest. Being financially responsible is very important to me. I’ve always been a saver and now I've lost trust in him.
When I ask about his progress, he’s vague or changes the subject. He hasn't submitted any work applications yet. I'm feeling a growing resentment and am unsure what to do.
Think through your own plans, soon, because payment deadlines for your joint rent/expenses, plus tax-debt installments are soon coming down.
Are you In or Out? He may not change. He also can’t get that once-chosen career off the ground very quickly.
So you may have to cover his living expenses for a while. For the tax debt, he needs to talk to his bank official and try to make some arrangements with the tax department for a schedule of payments over time.
Are you going to contribute? If not, tell him so, and insist he take any job at all, to get the payments started.
I’m not suggesting you abandon him. But if you’re going to keep seeing him as lazy and financially irresponsible, it’s not a good sign towards a long-term future.
FEEDBACK Regarding the new boyfriend’s return to his faith, holding extreme religious views (Oct. 8):
Reader – “The woman’s statement that, "He's decided to implement ‘rules’ of being his girlfriend which includes some unrealistic expectations of me," tells me that she should end this relationship immediately.
“Her boyfriend’s controlling and could potentially be abusive.
“Tell him that you are not religious, have no interest in being religious, have no interest in converting, and that you did not realize religion would be an issue when you met.
“Say that you are therefore ending this relationship. Walk out the door to avoid arguments.
“You will not be happy in this relationship. He and his parents will try to mold you into their version of acceptable. Your life as you choose to live it will be over.”
Ellie – Not sure if the reader here has her own experience of this kind, but she does raise possibilities you must avoid.
Tip of the day:
Once committed to someone, online erotic communication with others must stop.