A bit of a dilemma: I’ve lived with my boyfriend, 44, for six months; he’d split with his common-law wife last year. The problem is they have a daughter, 13. 

Neither his ex nor daughter nor family knows I exist. He says he doesn’t want to hurt his daughter, he’ll tell her in time.

There’s a family function soon that he’s avoiding because he knows it’ll upset me. Why not just tell them about me?

I know he cares about me but I’m not being respected. I told him that I want him to say something by the end of this year.

- Feeling Stupid

It’s more than “a bit” of a dilemma, it goes to the heart of your relationship. 

His daughter is a fact, not a “problem.” You and her father should’ve both thoughtfully planned how to introduce you to her and indicate you’re part of his life before you moved in. Now you’re his “secret,” and that’s a crummy position you’ve accepted so far. Now get out of it.

He either starts having you meet his daughter as someone he’s “dating”… and soon explains that you’re living with him but she’s still a priority; or you move out and both work at re-developing your relationship in an open, visible and equal way.

I’m 48, seeing a man, 61, for five years; he’s been separated from his wife for 8 years. 

We have intercourse a few times... but it’s not that exciting. He’d rather we do this on the web camera and that I use toys.

When we’re together, he’d just masturbate on his own.

He drinks and smokes a lot and his mood changes; also he thinks he’s smarter than any other human.

He doesn’t want me to visit him. He lives in the gay neighbourhood and he’s always bad-mouthing gays. He likes to just stay home; at work he doesn’t talk much with his co-workers.

He doesn’t kiss or touch me unless I do it.

I never had another man apart from my husband, who died in 2001.

My son is in university; I work, don’t drink or smoke. Is something wrong with me because I keep seeing him?

- Confused

What you have “wrong” with you, is called Inexperience, Insecurity and Inertia. The cure is to look at the many negatives here, then start running. 

This man is sexually self-absorbed and selfish, socially isolated, moody, has habits you dislike and controls your contact with him. You’ve written of nothing positive for you in this relationship… except your likely fear of looking elsewhere.

Believe me, there are far better men out there. Get out with friends, join interest and activity groups, and move on.

My boyfriend of one year recently lost his father. Naturally, I attended the religious events around the funeral, and helped where I was permitted. 

The family is of a different religion from mine. However, his ex-wife of seven years also attended, and took over some of the tasks and gatherings as if they were still married.

I kept quiet, but what should I now do about it?

- Pushed Aside

So long as your boyfriend wasn’t also pushing you away, and was by your side instead of hers, there’s nothing to do now. 

I’m assuming that, at the time, you took the high road and avoided any visible conflict with her. Since, happily, such occasions don’t arise often, there’s no point in now starting troubles between you and his ex, especially if there are children involved.

I always hint to my husband that I love jewellery; but, instead of spending lots for gifts, we usually cook each other’s favorite meal or just spend time together.  

Last Valentines’ Day, he surprised me with a heart-shaped necklace; however, I HATE hearts – something I’ve mentioned in the past. A co-worker had advised him. What should I do about this?

I want jewellery that I can wear a lifetime, not something I don’t like.

- Heart-Sick

If ever the expression “Suck It Up” applies, it’s now. 

If you reject his heartfelt gift, you’ll be behaving truly heartlessly. A man who cooks for you, got the message you wanted jewellery and sought advice on the purchase, is worth pleasing. Even if he didn’t remember a past comment about hearts.

The gift was symbolic, so get over a prejudice that comes from somewhere else, long ago. Wear it. C’mon, have a heart.