Dear Readers – With “wedding season” extended throughout the year, both locally and at tropical destinations, queries involving guests have multiplied.

Here are some, typical of the range of concerns:

How does one arrive at an appropriate amount for wedding gifts?

I know there’ll always be some expectations outstripping what’s reasonable.

But I've heard that a wedding gift should at least match the cost for the reception’s meals - is this still a rule of thumb?

My lady friend is financially challenged and I’m retired. I've paid for the gifts for several of her family weddings, as well as for several of my relatives.

I'm uncomfortable since people assume that I’m better off financially than I am. However, she and her mother agree that a recent gift we gave was too expensive. Yet I would’ve been embarrassed to give less.

Also, there’s a potential destination wedding coming up. I can't imagine being able to afford going to one of those. What to do?

Uncertain Guest

This is the most oft-asked wedding-guest question, with much emotion involved since some people on the receiving end DO have fixed expectations, albeit this is crass, and wrong-headed.

Also, culture is involved. Some cultures have a standard expectation – envelopes of money brought to the event to actually pay for the evening; the gift registry of major items from household appliances to luggage sets; and more.

The estimated cost of the reception dinner (generally around $150 per person) has become one commonly acceptable amount.

BUT, that should NEVER be imposed no matter your finances. Guests have a right and personal responsibility to gift only within their means. Your presence at the wedding is to celebrate the start of a new life as a couple, not to fund their desire for an extravagant party.

Destination weddings are a whole different consideration. Mostly, if you can afford to attend, you can afford some level of gift.

However, if you want the trip but don’t also want to buy a gift, this is only acceptable if you’re a close relative or best friend whose presence is important.

If the price of travel is too high, decline, and give an affordable gift. It’s still about wishing the couple well on their marriage.

My husband and I are invited to my nephew’s wedding. My sister told me that none of her son's three cousins would be invited.

Now I’ve learned that one cousin has been invited and will attend. As the other two cousins are MY son and daughter, I’m very hurt. Do I mention this to my sister, or should I keep my mouth shut and attend the wedding as cheerfully as possible?

Hurt Feelings

Like many questions seemingly about a wedding, this is also about the relationship with your sister.

You should be able to find some way to talk to her – without blaming or crying – to ask the reason for this discrimination on cousins.

It may be that the other cousin has always been a closer friend to the groom. It may be the costs are high and it was decided to cut the list at cousins but for the closer one, without considering the impact on family feelings.

She may be able to help… or not. The bride may be resistant to pressure, have a large family of her own, your sister may not be contributing financially and thus have little say.

But she should be able to answer you. IF you two have a healthy relationship. Otherwise, attend, smile, and say nothing.

FEEDBACK Regarding the aunt who said she wasn’t attending the far-away shower (August 1):

Reader #1 – “Her sister (groom’s mother) should’ve offered to put her up at her home, and if the aunt still couldn't attend, said they were looking forward to seeing her at the wedding. But she sent a shower invitation anyway and expected a gift.

“This does look like a cash grab.

“The sister DID say she’d give a bigger wedding gift since she was missing the shower.”

Reader #2 – “When my baby daughter turned one, my friend who couldn’t afford a gift, came over and helped me with the preparations for the party.

“This was the best gift I received then, and the most memorable gift I've ever received. Eleven years later, I still remember it.

“This, and accompanying me to the doctor's office for my baby's first check-up, will always be treasured by me.”