I’ve been getting closer with a female friend. We have the same work hours so it’s easy to hang out.

However, she claims to have the same morals as me, but what she’s doing in her relationships makes me feel bad for the guys.

She has a serious boyfriend of 18 months, who loves her.

He has to move away to school, in order to get a stable job. He’ll be gone for five years, but wants to marry her when he returns.

She says she wants to marry him, and loves how faithful and loyal he is.
But her ex-boyfriend is now her “friend with benefits.” He knows about her current boyfriend, who does not know about him.

Her ex said he wants to keep their “friendship” secret as he’s "dating" other girls, just for fun.
She also has "just friends" – these are guys she doesn't want to be with, but if they buy an expensive dinner, gifts, and/or hotel, she’ll spend a couple of days with them.
Yet, if she discovers that they’re with another girl, she gets offended (though not so when her ex sees others).
How do I tell her that what she’s doing isn't right? I want to continue being friends. She has trouble keeping friends who want what’s best for her. But I feel if I hear more of her "adventures" I’ll just tell her boyfriend!

Fed Up Listening

Stop listening. You can’t have it both ways, i.e. be confidant to someone you don’t respect, and still call her “friend” because it’s convenient.

You have principles for yourself and that’s a good thing. You can’t force them on her, and threatening to expose her promiscuity is also no act of friendship.

This woman’s an opportunist, a taker, and a user. Recognize that she’s “using” you too, to boast about a lifestyle she knows is hurtful to the one she loves (if she loves anyone beyond herself).

Start distancing from her and her sexual-exploit tales. Be busy. If she asks why, just say her choices are way different from yours, and you can’t listen anymore.

I was involved with a man ten years my senior, for seven years.

Although we didn’t live together, we spent a great deal of time together. We always had fun, shared many likes, and enjoyed travelling together.

We had a very active sex life, and we were very much in love, as well as soul mates.

He claimed I was his first love though he’d been married for 40 years… but to a friend, not a lover.

He confessed she was controlling, there was no intimacy, and he cheated on her for 30 of their 40 years together.

He assured me he only cheated because of missing intimacy.

It should’ve been a red flag! His alcoholism seldom presented a problem - until recently.

However, over recent months, he became secretive, withdrawn, moody, and seldom confided in me. His drinking accelerated, he became abusive, and I learned he cheated on me.

I no longer recognized him, and decided to end the relationship.

When someone you care for is abusing alcohol, get him or her help, because sadly, you could be next on the receiving end of that abuse!

Be Forewarned 

Thanks for sharing. Though seven good years should promise a lasting relationship, ignoring an addiction can undo that belief.

Don’t wait for an addicted partner to become abusive. Discuss the addiction openly and be aware early on of what you can handle, or cannot accept.

FEEDBACK Regarding the professional man and eldest son who’s paid his parents $1500 a month for five years (June 28):
Reader – “He didn’t say if he’d paid any room and board over those years. Who bought the groceries, did his laundry, and the house cleaning?
“He had the benefit of having a place to live all that time. That money was equivalent to paying rent.

“If his parents want to stay in that house, they could now take out a reverse mortgage.
“He should just write the money off (rather than expect re-payment) and move on with his life. And also invite them to his wedding (ignoring the current rift).”

Ellie – The man wrote that, “the understanding was they’d return my money when they sell. The townhouse has since doubled in value.”

Since the parents don’t want to sell, your approach is sound. They need to find a solution so family ties can be healed.