I’m female, 31, with a professional job. I’d been on my own for a couple of years after my boyfriend of eight years (three years living together), walked out.
Online dating didn’t work for me.
My cousin then introduced me to a great guy. We’ve been dating for six months, and it’s going well.
I find it hard to take that my ex met someone and married her just months after he dumped me.
When we’d talked about the future and starting a family, I knew I wasn’t ready.
We’d met while young. I felt we needed to finish university, find good jobs and grow more.
He decided to just walk away and not look back.
I do like my current boyfriend a lot – maybe even love him. I now feel ready for marriage and having kids.
I don’t know if I raise this if I’ll scare my boyfriend off. Or should I wait till he gives me the first signal that we’re headed to the next phase.
Undecided and Nervous
Calm your nerves and call up your confidence. Take heart from knowing that you are ready for a new stage.
Show that confidence and optimism to your boyfriend now, by talking openly about the interests you share, by accommodating easily to any small differences between you.
With bigger differences, show willingness to compromise or address the divide together, even suggesting couples’ counselling if needed to make life smoother.
These are natural phases of creating an environment that bonds you closer.
Soon, you’ll know if you love him and feel he’s the right partner for you. Say so.
Hanging back won’t make this happen any sooner.
A confident woman can speak up about what she’s sure she wants.
Reader’s Commentary “A warning to others, through my story:
“Several years ago I reconnected with a man who’d been the love of my life. We were both the happiest we’d ever been.
“We moved into our small dream house in 2016. A wedding date was set for the following summer.
“But one day in winter I arrived home to find my fiancé absent. I knew instantly there was something wrong, he was always there waiting to greet me. I called the police.
“I notified his children and mine that their dad was missing. My fiancé’s body was discovered the following day. His snowmobile had gone through the ice and he was unable to make it to safety.
“Since his death one of his children feels entitled to everything from our lamps to the house ( which I was told I could buy from the estate), and to every dime of insurance money, and to his ashes.
“I’m now having to pay all the household bills and anything else related to the estate and also risk losing my home.
“People reading this - Please get your affairs in order. Your life can change in the blink of an eye. The people you thought would be there with you, are not.
“The feeling of losing everything you worked your entire life for can be taken away by children who wanted nothing to do with your life, despite my efforts. At 50, I’m scared, alone and still unsure of what tomorrow will bring.
“My savings have been drained due to lawyers’ costs so far, with more money needed for litigation to try to keep some of our stuff.
“I wouldn’t want anyone to go through this, if you can avoid it.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the man who, at eight or nine, was sexually assaulted by his private school’s headmaster (April 16):
Reader – “I, too, was abused as a child. By both of my parents.
“I'm 56 now.
“I thought about saying something many times. So why didn't I? a) My Grandmother would have never believed me and; b) my mother was a very violent woman.
“Had I said anything to anyone, I knew very well that THAT would be my last day on God's green earth, that's why.
“On the other hand, I am absolutely appalled that the headmaster was never reported. Because your parents did not report him to the police, I'm left wondering how many other little boys he assaulted.”
Ellie – The difference for that boy back then, was that he had parents who believed his story.
The writer hadn’t realized how lucky he was for that, when he asked why others don’t speak up.
Tip of the day:
If your relationship contains love, shared interests, and compromises, feel confident to discuss the future.