Please help me… How to get my crush out of my head?
Besotted in Brunei
A crush can be a powerful fantasy that motivates you to look and act your best, and imagine a great romantic adventure. But it IS a fantasy.
That’s because there’s some obstacle between you and the person you dream about… especially since you want to get rid of your constant images about this person.
Perhaps he/she is much older, or already attached. So it’s an impossible dream, and eventually becomes unhealthy.
Bring those same heightened feelings to someone available. If you’re already married, warm the link between you with some of your “crush” imagery… taking time to compliment, hug, and get re-connected.
My girlfriend of two years (we're both in our mid-twenties) cheated on me a year ago. I’d told her that I was okay with her having a (solely) sexual affair, as I think I’m quite open-minded in that regard, but that I wouldn't want to know anything about it.
However, three months later she met another guy at a university field trip, and confessed that she’d fallen in love with him and slept with him a couple of times.
She said she wanted to forget about him and that such an event would never happen again. I’m certain that she’s serious about it.
However, I cannot forget. It’s been hanging like a shadow over our otherwise happy relationship. How can I cope with this?
Want to Forget
You’re open-minded, which is mostly a good thing. But you’re not a fool. The fact that she “fell in love” so easily while still in a relationship is what’s keeping you stuck with the memory.
You need The Talk. Two years together shows commitment, but you’re both still young, she’s in university and meeting others, you may be too.
She may be restless even while still caring deeply for you. You’ve had your trust shaken.
Take a break. There’s no gain in forcing yourselves to pretend this never happened. It’ll still cloud your relationship until you take time apart, and possibly re-commit later, when you’re both more certain of what you want and can accept.
Make it a clean break (no sleepovers) for six months before you discuss the future.
I’m just 19, and in first year university. My boyfriend and I have always planned that I’d transfer to a closer university in my second year so we can live together.
I want to move in with him but I’m worried about how my parents will react.
They love him, but may think this is too permanent for my age… I might be a little worried about that too, even though we have a great relationship.
Currently, I get to see him because I go home on weekends, but it’s not really ideal.
Don’t blame your parents - thank them. You’re not certain of this move, but don’t want to hurt your guy. Still, you have the maturity to question whether moving in together next year at 20 is really right for you.
Consider your education goals as well. If your current university is a good place for your interests, stay put.
For now, weekend romance is a great balance to a life of new experiences, new people, and academic demands.
Staying at your family home may not provide the privacy you want, but living together would be a much-bigger adjustment beyond having more time together.
Stay with your own good instincts. Explain all this to him, stressing that it’s better to delay until sure, than rush too soon.
I'm 15, and have never had a boyfriend or been kissed. I feel so ugly sometimes, like no guys would ever like me.
I’m totally obsessed with boys but don't know what I would say if someone asked me out… I’d probably say No. I don't think I'm even allowed to date.
But do you think there is something wrong with me?
Never Been Kissed
Countless girls who once thought they were “ugly ducklings” later become attractive “swans” as they develop inner confidence over time.
There’s nothing wrong with you. Your parents are protective, that’s good. Dating in early-teen years can be very upsetting, as many young people are fickle; they kiss and run. Your parents know you’re not ready to handle those swinging emotions.
Work on friendships with other girls, and guy pals, too. Focus on school, getting good grades, and knowing you’re smart and have value to lots of people.
Tip of the day:
“Crush” fantasies can re-heat an existing relationship.