I’m 17, dating this man for three years; but he lives far away. We met once; he says he's committed to my family and me.
I don't feel that same intensity as I did initially. It's torturing me inside, knowing that I'm leading him on by making him think I still love him. I don't.
I've asked all my friends regarding what I should do, but nothing’s helped. I don't know how to break the news to him, because he's a really nice man, just not the man for me.
You’re not the same person at 17 as you were at 14 – given vast changes in self-awareness and maturing during those years. So it’s not unusual that your feelings have changed too.
He should’ve known that was likely from the start.
You haven’t said this was an online romance, but it’s certainly been a limited one.
Canvassing “all” your friends just creates a drama, when the solution is to simply tell this man the truth.
Say that you now realize you’re too young to make long-term commitments, you care about him, but no longer consider him your boyfriend.
If he continues to pursue you, cut off contact. And inform your parents about what’s going on.
Nine months ago, my brother (50s) phoned Dad (80s) who lives with my husband, and me and accused him of sexually abusing him when he was a boy.
Dad was astounded and immediately denied it. My brother gave precise details, even describing a mole on Dad’s genitalia. Dad’s family physician then gave him an affidavit that he has no such mole.
My brother said he still knew Dad had sexually abused him.
My brother was reminded that when his wife divorced him, Dad would take care of his young daughters (including overnight) when my brother travelled for business.
If Dad had abused him, why did he leave his daughters with him? My brother's reply, "Because I thought Dad was a changed man."
Dad and I have both been for counselling separately and together, to find a remedy. My brother’s my only sibling. Our parents are long divorced.
Just recently, my brother told our mother about Dad abusing him. Her response was, "I think my son has snapped.”
The counsellors suggested possible motives, including Cognitive Dissonance (rationalizing Dad's abuse with another issue) and/or control issues where he wants to keep his daughters away from their grandfather and aunt.
On the counsellors’ recommendations, we severed all ties with my brother. Unfortunately, his daughters no longer communicate with their grandfather. We're not sure what their father told them. We maintain minimal contact with them through phone, e-mail and FaceBook, which we initiate.
I’d like our family to have at least a working relationship (birthdays, Christmas, etc.). Is there anything I could to do to bring our family together sooner rather than later?
If there’s another adult who’s close to your brother, perhaps his mother, that person should suggest he get help for the trauma he suffered.
Whether your father, or someone else abused him, or he experienced another calamitous event altogether, something moved him to bring this accusation forward.
Don’t bring his daughters into the middle, but if one/all raise concerns, suggest that they encourage their father to talk to a professional about a past that’s clearly haunting him.
Meanwhile, keep contact with your nieces even if they don’t respond. Send acknowledgements of birthdays, etc. They still need to know you and their grandfather care.
I’m finding it difficult to express feelings to my former common-law partner. We split up a year ago. But we’ve been working on things.
I love him and want to tell him, but feel that’ll push him away.
I feel distant from him sometimes, as though I’m at a different point in life than he is. He’s previously lied to me about other women. I don't want to confess love, just to fall back into the same trap.
I know he has female friends; I’m okay with that now. He hasn't told me that he loves me in a couple of years. Am I expecting too much too soon?
In Love and Lost
You’re expecting too much too late. You ARE at a different point, while he’s trying to have you in his life, without commitment. His old pattern with women makes his current female friendships look suspicious. Unless he says he loves you, stay cool.
Tip of the day:
It’s kinder to tell the truth than lead someone on.