My boyfriend of three years and I are from two different religions (the kind that each other’s parents wouldn’t be happy about).
I love him and want the relationship to go forward. He’s the best guy I've ever dated.
But he doesn’t want to meet my parents, nor want me to even tell my parents that we’re dating.
He hasn't told his parents, partly because his mother’s been suffering from Multiple Sclerosis for some time.
I want it to work and I want to be supportive. I also want to get married and not hide my relationship as I’m in my late 20's.
What do I do?
After three years you need to start talking seriously about what you can each accept, or not.
His concern for his mother’s health and stress level is understandable. But her MS is unlikely to go away. He needs to decide whether he’s In or Out, regarding your relationship long-term.
If he insists that he’s In, start planning how you’ll handle both sets of parents.
You could go together to talk to someone respected in each of your communities, to discuss how mixed marriages can be handled, what approaches regarding children are accepted or not, etc.
Or, you can each go separately to talk to someone (community person or counselor) and firm up your own needs/wants for your union to work.
Ultimately, you each have to tell your parents your feelings for each other and what you’re prepared to face, to stay together.
You both need to be committed, and strong.
If he keeps delaying any of this, take a three months’ break. If nothing changes in that time, move on.
My husband's sister has been inappropriate many times over our married life and even when we were dating, then engaged.
I was considerably younger and somewhat intimidated by her, and didn’t relate some of her questionable comments to my then-fiancé.
We’re currently many years into a good and happy marriage, but a recent discussion deteriorated into an argument when I related a couple of stupid comments she’d made in the past.
My husband’s understandably conflicted because she’s his only sister. However, I feel unsupported because he thinks I’m holding onto a grudge.
Do you have any advice about moving forward?
He’s a good man with strong principals and obviously distressed by the revelations.
Since you blurted out these long withheld comments during an argument, it’s also natural that they sounded like a grudge.
Apologize. Clearly, her inappropriate manner hasn’t harmed your relationship before, so don’t let that happen now.
Tell him you respect their sibling connection, and don’t hold anything against her. Mean it. And respect too, his embarrassment about this, which is why he reacted.
Remember, we all say “stupid” things sometimes, such as raising awkward stuff that happened years before.
A friend and his children came for lunch and dinner both, one day. He offered to barbecue for me. Both times, when he brought the food to the table, one serving was missing (I saw him eat it).
I pretended not to notice but found this extremely rude and quite shocking.
What Should I Have Done?
In a solid friendship, you should’ve/could’ve said, “I see you already ate your portion, but I can get you something to nibble while we eat ours, until dessert.”
Saying nothing means the friendship’s less strong. Don’t invite him to dinner again, or cook, guard, and serve it yourself.
My wife and I are in our 60's. We rarely hold hands, kiss, or hug, and somehow stopped saying, "I love you."
Sex once or twice monthly is the only physical connection.
I don’t know if she likes sex or just does it to keep me happy.
She’s acknowledged all this but showed no interest in changing it.
Her family doesn’t show feelings openly. Our married life is great except for the emotional side.
Sometimes I wonder if she even likes me. Being in the autumn of life, I don’t want to feel like this.
Alone but Married
Today, being in your 60’s is like late summer, not autumn. It’s healthy to reflect at any stage, but there’s no imminent end in sight. Just, perhaps, some depression about aging.
Your married life is otherwise good, so take the lead on showing affection, reaching out to touch, then hug, and express love.
Tip of the day:
Religious differences are a reason for looking carefully at your relationship, not for hiding it indefinitely.