My wife’s an attractive professional, early-40s; I’m semi-retired and mid-60s. We’ve been married for 23 years with a young teenage daughter.
My ex-wife had an affair while we were married and has had many other men after our separation and subsequent divorce. I was not without faults but although this was all a lifetime ago, I know I’ve been scarred from that part of my past life.
While I was visiting my older daughter and her husband out-of-town, my wife went for a massage alone for the first time (we had a couples’ massage once years ago).
She texted me about it afterwards. She was naked except for a thin sheet and was given a full back and neck massage by a young man in a private room (female masseuses were available).
She did this without consultation or concern that it might upset me. She then booked another appointment with him on a night when she knew I’d be at my part-time job.
Upon my return, we had the best sex in ages.
Am I being paranoid and overreacting? Should I be worried, or enjoy the possible effect?
Is this an indication of her mid-life crisis?
How Should I React?
A wife who easily discloses her activities, who uses her time while you’re away to revitalize her body, and then greets you with passion and energy… well, she sounds honest, loyal, and loving to me!
Massage in a reputable spa setting is not a sexual activity. Few independent women of her age would think it necessary to ask permission. She may’ve considered it as a treat for both of you, since she may even have planned to greet you with sexual enthusiasm.
Far from being a mid-life crisis indicator, it appears more as a conscious effort to feel good in body, and give and receive love as the emotional result.
Your anxiety-riddled reaction does seem over the top.
It has nothing to do with your previous wife’s actions of over two decades ago, or her sex life afterward. Put that ghost in the past, or see a therapist about why you cannot, which is your problem alone.
Meanwhile, reward your wife’s efforts by suggesting a couple’s massage next time. She’s clearly onto a good thing for both of you.
I have a widowed mother, 80, living alone. Her hearing’s lessened, she has macular degeneration, and other physical changes. I fear her leaving the stove on or falling.
We’re very close. Her wish is not to ever be put in a nursing home. However, my husband of 34 years refuses to have her with us, though she’d pay her own way. She’s a very quiet woman.
His mother, 84, lives at her home with a son and his wife. My husband tells people in front of me that he’s so glad she’s not alone.
My two sibling work so can’t take Mom. I’m home. My husband works nights and sleeps days. We never see him. My kids, 28 and 30, also say she should be with us.
His refusal isn’t the final vote. The house is equally yours.
But, if you two haven’t operated through joint decisions based on equality, having a civil conversation about this won’t be easy.
List what she can pay for, where she’d sleep, how to assure his undisturbed sleep plus privacy for you and him.
Your husband may fear that your mother-daughter closeness will leave him shut out. Reassure him.
If he still resists, perhaps his own mother and your kids can convince him.
My son, 32, lost all his friends. They don’t like his abusive partner. She’s a control freak, verbally abusive, violent - striking out at things or him.
Our family all see how wrong she is for him, but can't get him to understand.
I know it’s hard for a man to admit he’s being abused. She has no friends so she’s holding on tight to him.
Also, she’s a free loader, kicked off health benefits as there’s nothing wrong with her but LAZINESS!! How can we help?
Stay in close contact with him, and stop bad-mouthing her. She may increase her control and cut you off.
Visit him, and treat her decently so she doesn’t strike him later.
If you see evidence of physical abuse, report it to the police so they have a record even if he won’t charge her or leave.
Meanwhile, hope that he gains strength from your support.
Tip of the day:
Don’t let past ghosts shadow a healthy relationship.