I emigrated here and met a woman I love; we’ve talked about marriage. But she lives with her parents and neither of us earns a lot, so I moved in with them.
She’s very close with her mother and let’s her have a say in everything about us. Her father hasn’t looked for a job since he got laid off four years ago. He’s 53.
He has his wife and daughter paying all household bills, while he just hangs out with his cronies. The parents fight a lot, which makes everyone tense.
My girlfriend says we’ll be fine when we have our own place, but she’s not doing anything towards moving out. She’s afraid to tell her father she can’t support him and needs to save towards her own life.
Things won’t get better until you and your girlfriend are on your own.
Her father will manage. He somehow has money for wherever he hangs out, and whatever he does there.
Your girlfriend feels her mother needs her, but their attachment isn’t leaving enough room for you. Discuss moving away together for better jobs, and/or a less expensive area. Her mom can rent out her room.
If nothing’s agreeable, leave and take a break, till you find out if you’re both truly committed to each other, not just the idea.
My wife had an affair with a colleague while married to her first husband. I’m her second husband, and her ex-lover’s been transferred to work in her office again. He’s now a senior manager, so she depends on his approval for her job.
She’s assured me she’s not going to make the same mistake, but I’m worried.
Fearing the Worst
Frequent contact, plus a dependence factor, are classic trouble signs. Say you’re not distrusting her intent, but rather the situation.
She must be clear with him that she wants no repeats. If he pursues her, you could confront him directly, but best if she agrees.
She should record any direct pressure. And, be prepared to counter threats of demotions or firing, by going to Human Resources with her record.
She’ll have to be truthful about the past affair, which he’s using to harass her. Her other option is to start looking for another job.
After our parents passed, their jewellery collection “disappeared.”
I questioned my sibling, who’d had access, about the whereabouts of a certain piece. Answer: “I don’t know.” The spouse reminded it was at their house. Next answer: “It was a gift.”
My sibling was executor of the will, taking more than the equal share allotted by my parents. We no longer speak.
I can’t get past the “disappearance” and the command that it’s not to be discussed. I walked away from it all, including my sibling.
I hate thinking about them with disgust even more so than their stealing from me. I’d put such a high value of love and trust in our relationship.
I think about mending things, but know it’ll never be the same, not without getting answers. How does one never look back?
Shocked and Hurt
The unequally divided inheritance counter to the will says it all: They feel no shame, no regret, and took what they could.
IF there were a decent explanation… e.g. your parents needed their financial help, they sold the jewellery, and also took money they felt was owed, you still deserved an answer. Those two haven’t looked back.
Better for you to live with your values intact, and go forward without them.
I travel a lot for work. My fiancée’s known this from the start. I had several flings with women in different cities when I was single. Some were married, but if they didn’t care, neither did I.
Now, I’m crazy about my fiancée. We plan to marry next year, with a big wedding and first-class honeymoon.
Meanwhile, she’s always checking up on me when I’m away. How can I prove that my “cheating days” are over?
Stay closely connected when away, invite her along if possible (if she’s a city-explorer or shopper, she can enjoy these while you’re working).
Have her meet you sometimes when work finishes, for a getaway weekend all about how much you missed her. Be that loving, attentive guy when you return, after she stayed home alone.
Also, re-examine your drive for a “big wedding, 1st-class honeymoon.” Make sure she feels that SHE’s the BIG prize.
Tip of the day:
Dysfunctional relationships don’t get better from just wishing it so.