My girlfriend of 18 months grinds and dances with other men at clubs. 

I dislike her smoking and using drugs. She did stop flirting when I said it hurt me. But she’s repeatedly broken her promises not to do the other three.

I get really mad, yell, and tell her to leave. I can’t trust her anymore.

She calls me possessive and controlling, but I want her to respect me the way I do her.

I stopped watching porn, because she didn’t like it. Am I being controlling, and what should I do (I don’t want to leave her)?

- Torn

You’ve both allowed your negative habits to dominate your relationship. Grinding with other men would be a turn-off to any guy, just as watching porn upsets many women. 

You changed, she didn’t. Smoking and drug use can become serious addictions; if she doesn’t drop them, you’ll be fighting about it for a long time.

Your own reactions – yelling, controlling – are immature, potentially harmful and the wrong way to deal with frustration. Stop avoiding the inevitable and take a break.

Do NOT get back together unless enough time passes to show that enough changes have been made by both.

Days after our 33rd anniversary, my husband said he’d found someone with whom he was starting a new life - someone from his past whom he’d been seeing for months. He then moved out. 

I’m having a hard time dealing with this. Family members and close friends haven’t heard from him, nor have I.

I’ll be seeing a therapist and a lawyer. I want to move on with my life, but first I need closure. Am I taking the first steps?

Your thoughts on betrayal, please. I’ll never take him back because this hurt is unbearable.

- Broken-Hearted

Betrayal is real. He blind-sided you, without warning, discussion, negotiation, or a second chance. That’s the tough reality that you have to accept, with your health and welfare intact. 

Seeking therapy help and legal direction are the right, crucial steps. Time will help heal the blow to your heart and pride, but anger and determination to survive well, will take you into the future wiser and stronger.

Eventually, you’ll be thankful that you discovered his true nature and feel liberated from past illusions about him. That’s closure.

My “friend” of 12 years only contacts me when she has good news about her life. 

When my husband and I bought our first home, she didn’t send congratulations, nor reply to my email.

When I was planning my wedding, she told me what she wanted at her wedding.

I asked for help with a wedding task and she rushed through it.

We haven’t talked in months since she’s been away at school.

She text-messaged me today saying she’s back with her boyfriend but hasn’t made any effort to contact me otherwise.

Is she jealous?

- Drifted

There’s a competitive nature to this friendship, on both your sides. You could’ve contacted her at school but didn’t. And your disappointments in her reflect a lack of understanding that she, too, had similar hopes and dreams. 

This gap between friends isn’t uncommon during the period when one moves forward with life goals faster than the other.

She may be envious, but still cares about you. The friendship may be worth salvaging… but you’d have to reach out to her, to show that differing involvements don’t have to mean a lack of interest, or a fight for the spotlight.

My boyfriend of five years is 52; I’m 47, we’re both divorced. 

I’m living in my house with my two sons. He’s committed to his parents and son, 23, who all live in his house.

We never discuss the future, though I’m ready for the next step.

He’s so financially strapped that I pay for entertainment, food, etc. I’m feeling resentful.

Should I walk away or be patient and see if my turn for attention comes soon?

- Frustrated

Initiate The Talk, or be prepared to finance this man and his family for a while to come. 

You don’t mention love or passion, so it seems you’re waiting for more than he has to give, and your bond is more of convenience and familiarity.

If he responds to talking about the future with excuses or vagueness, walk away. However, if there’s a shared desire to end up together, create a realistic plan, now.