I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year. He’s 20 years older than me. I’m in my mid-40s, and we’re from different backgrounds.
We have sex every week, sometimes oral sex because he’s unable to function otherwise.
I’m not satisfied. I need more.
But he said that after sex, the next day’s very tiring, he can’t do work anymore. He’s a businessman.
I’ve told him several times that sex is very important in a relationship.
He suggested I take him to a Chinese herbalist, but I didn't because I don't want to damage his pride.
Because of my lack of sexual excitement, I always scold him, but for something else, not sex.
I’ve never before been with someone so much older than me and from a different culture.
He’s very caring and helpful, outside of the sex problem.
What shall I do?
You’re missing the chance he gave you to deal with sex as a couple’s problem, not just your own.
He opened a door to looking at solutions together, when he suggested getting a herbalist’s help.
There are a number of energy boosters available through alternative medicines, e.g. vitamin and mineral supplements from a naturopath or specific Chinese remedies.
Healthy nutrition as well as a fitness program are known to improve energy.
And specific to sexual performance, some supplements/herbs are also said to provide increased circulation. A strong libido relies on strong blood flow to the genitals.
But the starting point for this man’s need to feel he can have intercourse, and still be alert and productive at his work, is a health check from his family doctor.
He’s in his mid-60s and may be feeling well, but anxious about both his erectile function and his general fitness.
Neither of you can know for sure whether sex is depleting him, unless he sees a medical doctor.
He asked you to “take him” to the herbalist. It means he’d like to satisfy you, but is awkward about dealing with this problem on his own.
If you want to stay with him, be a real partner. Stop scolding, that can’t be helping either his libido OR his desire to please you.
Reassure him that this is a common area of doubt for men in his age group, and it’s considered both normal and wise to raise it with a family doctor.
Also, be creative in your sexual relationship with him. There’s more than one way to be satisfied, for both of you, and a varied approach can bring new zest and excitement to your intimacy.
FEEDBACK Regarding the husband whose wife’s curve-enhancing clothes embarrass him (June7):
Reader – “If he thinks that the way a woman dresses signals her availability, he’s sadly uninformed.
“I’d tell him, his feelings on the matter are more indicative of his feeling insecure, rather than her causing him to be embarrassed and angry.
“If he continues with this negativity, he may find that it does lead to a situation where she attracts someone more confident than he appears to be.
“He’s feeling a tad threatened and that’s normal.
“But he should appreciate her confidence and her efforts to look good.
“He’d be well served to treat her well rather than devalue her efforts.”
Ellie – There’s no hint of her cheating on him, yet he says she often looks “slutty” and fights with her about it.
He approved her breast surgery, knowing she’d disliked being “flat-chested.” But he shows no pride in her new figure, only insecurity.
Reader’s Commentary On snooping (June 9):
“Most of us know whether we trust our partners and spouses. If Yes, there’s no reason to question them, or let doubt and insecurity invade your relationship.
“If something makes you uncomfortable, ask about it. But don't be confrontational, because you're still trying to maintain and improve trust, not threaten it.
“If you get evasive or defensive answers, weigh them. Don't jump to rash conclusions.
“Snooping is sneaky, it invades privacy, and destroys the trust that you want to nurture. It sinks you to the same level that you’re presuming about your partner.
“Trust only happens when there’s open and honest communication between both parties.
“Pay attention to how much your own actions tell others about your ability and willingness to fully participate in a trusting, intimate relationship.
“If you need boundaries or protections to be with someone, then your relationship is neither fully trusting nor intimate.”
Tip of the day:
When energy levels make sex less frequent, start your search for solutions with a health check-up.