My husband of three years doesn’t take any interest in planning activities, or outings for us as a couple, or for our future.
He “ forgets,” but he remembers to organize time and activities with his friends.
He hasn’t planned an anniversary or birthday outing except for suggesting we go out for dinner.
Though I’ve spoken to him repeatedly about saving for our future, nothing happens.
He moved here so we could start a life together. He didn’t know that I’m still in touch with my ex.
I was frustrated with his not finding work here, and discussed that with my ex.
He found out, accused me of cheating, and was deeply hurt.
My calls and texts with my ex weren’t romantic or sexual. I was venting my feelings.
Since then, I’ve worked hard on the relationship, and have been sorry, but he takes it out on me by not planning anything for us.
We’re barely intimate and I’m blamed for not initiating sex. When I have, he’s not in the mood.
Your list of complaints is presented as if to justify your venting private couple matters to your ex. They don’t equate.
Complaining to your ex humiliated your husband.
His finding work’s a priority, but it’s not easy, and changing countries takes adjustment.
Suggesting dinner for birthdays and anniversaries is decent behaviour for someone without a job (and income).
You say nothing about helping make plans - sharing ideas, bringing information – not just waiting and finding fault.
By revealing personal stuff to your ex, you’ve pushed him away. He doesn’t feel sexual because you’ve been more intimate emotionally with your ex.
Apologize. Find a career counsellor or job search program. And get couples counselling together.
My father passed away suddenly seven years ago. I was 16, shocked.
He was the best father and friend I could know.
I live to make my dad proud every day. But I’m afraid his passing has blocked me from finding love.
I’ve never had a relationship long enough to even see if love is possible.
I’m now a successful architect, 23, living in a new city, across the country from my family.
I date, but fear I’m doing something to push love away before it scares me.
My mother remarried a year ago. She’s been preoccupied with her new marriage, and hasn't once visited me.
It’s definitely put a wall between us. If I talk to her about my dad, she thinks I’m resentful of her newfound happiness.
I’ve asked her to visit me several times and she always has an excuse.
I feel abandoned by her and desperately miss my dad.
I’ve wondered if I should seek professional advice with these issues.
Lonely and Sad
Living alone, far from family, and mourning losses are solid reasons for talking to someone professional about fears of what finding love can mean, and of abandonment.
Your father’s sudden passing made a powerful impact. Giving in to love will ultimately mean putting him in second place. He won’t be forgotten, ever, just not primary.
You haven’t been ready for that. But you’re still young and settling into a new life, so it’s natural to take time.
Your mother’s been able to re-direct her emotional life… again, it’s natural, as she’s known what a relationship can be and you have yet to learn all that.
Talking all this out with a therapist can be very helpful. Also, create “family” from friends you trust.
My physically disabled husband’s my best friend. I’ve been the primary earner plus homemaker, and gave up having children.
My grandmother passed away recently. She was a huge support in my early life.
My husband didn't offer condolences or a hug.
I said how that upset me, and he got apologetic. His health wasn’t good that day, and he said he couldn't focus on the proper response.
But I feel that this person I put all my effort into couldn't be there for me, when needed.
Do I have a martyr complex or reason to be offended?
His dependency makes for huge anxiety to have you suffer this major loss. But he can’t say that. Feeling unwell, he didn’t know what to say.
Yes, he should’ve hugged you, said he was so sorry. Many people don’t express condolences easily.
Forgive him. He’s apologized. You’re only a martyr if you behave like one and you haven’t before this.
Tip of the day:
Confiding personal couple matters to an ex is humiliating and alienating to your spouse.