My husband of five years and I recently separated because I have a compulsive spending problem. He’s tried to help me; I’ve seen several psychologists, but never got help as I was never honest with them. 

We’re trying to reconcile but I recently had a relaspe and he’s extremely upset because I lied about my spending.

I’m now enrolled in a 12-step program and I’ve been honest about my shopping sprees.

How can I convince my husband not to give up on us? I’ve lied to him several times and he doesn’t trust me anymore.

- Desperate

Your challenge is to convince YOU that you can surmount this problem, for the long-term. Your husband’s trust will follow naturally… but it cannot be regained too quickly, or too easily. 

Make the 12-step program your prime focus, not just a means of getting him back. He’s rightfully decided that he cannot live with your past behaviour, but he’s shown his desire to re-connect once you’ve conquered your addiction.

I recommend two additional efforts on your part: Find a mentor who’s been through the program, whom you can turn to when your resolve weakens. And see a therapist who specializes in cognitive behaviour therapy, to help you recognize your triggers, and replace negative responses with positive ones.

Some experts have described spending sprees to an attempt to fill a black hole. Overcoming these empty feelings will boost your self-esteem in every relationship.

I recently left a relationship; my partner has many female friends and I was hurt because of two episodes involving them. 

I get up at 5 am for work; he’s retired. On Saturday morning, when we were cuddling in bed at 8 am, a lady friend phoned, wanting to walk her dog with my partner and his two dogs. He jumped out of bed. I asked him to say not right now and come back and cuddle. He said walking with her was more important to him.

On another occasion, a lady friend who lives around the corner and calls him three times daily to walk with her and her dog, asked him out for supper. He went, and brought me back a slice of pizza they couldn’t eat. I said this was rude, and that I’d worked all day and had looked forward to having supper with him. They’re together a lot – shopping, lunches, drinking beer or wine when I’m at work. I didn’t mind what that but I was hurt by the supper and the leftovers.

He said I’m jealous and he’s not giving up any of his lady friends. I just didn’t want them to interfere with the short time we had to spend together.

Was I so wrong?

- Bewildered!

The vibes were all wrong in this relationship. You had to have felt this already, for two seemingly minor incidents to be two too many. 

#1: Abandoning cuddle-time to go walkies with a friend, is upsetting in any relationship. However, if it only happened this once, you could let it go… but I suspect it reflects this guy’s attitude toward intimacy, especially with his parting shot that the friend was more important.

# 2: The guy’s insensitive. He’s got all the freedom anyone could ask for in a relationship, yet doesn’t consider your time together a priority. His take-home “slice” was a thoughtless gesture, bordering on an insult.

This wasn’t a good match for you, especially as he seems to prefer a crowd, where intimacy, sharing, and giving aren’t as needed.

My boyfriend’s parents say I’m not tall or pretty enough for him, and they’ll never accept me. He says they’re traditional, and illogical, and they’ve disapproved of his previous girlfriends. 

They’re also unreasonable towards him, demanding he run their errands while he also has school and a job.

He’s often frustrated and stressed by family issues and sometimes disregards my feelings. His actions and words prove he wants to be with me.

I’ve suggested counselling, but he wants 100% guarantees it’ll work.

- Your Thoughts?

You currently have 100% guarantees that your relationship won’t work, if nothing changes: His parents will eventually drive you apart. He needs to not only assert his choices to them, but also feel entitled to do so. 

Counselling will help him consider strategies for dealing with their interference and demands; and to learn to handle stress in different ways, without taking it out on those he cares most about.