I’m mid-40s, married eight years - my wife is my best friend whom I love. We rarely fight, talk a lot, spend time together. No kids, but we’re both fine with that. However, she’s feeling down, having been unemployed one year.
Two months ago, a new colleague joined my small department; we work together daily. I’ve fallen head over heels, love at first sight. I haven’t felt this way since I met my wife and it’s thrown me for a loop.
I think of this woman a lot, I love the sound of her voice. I haven’t acted on it and don’t plan to. But I’m scared my colleague will find out.
She seems to like me (nothing more). I don’t know or want to know if she’s single.
I want to protect my wife and her – they’re both great women and deserve better than that.
How can I get rid of these feelings, or cover them up?
How can I have a mid-life crisis when there was no crisis to begin with?
- Idiotic husband
The crisis is your romantic obsession, and it can lead to marriage breakup.
Proximity is a factor here - consider a department switch, or even a new job to get past the constancy. This could be the real change you’re needing, since your work clearly isn’t holding your full attention.
Given your wife’s low mood, and your unsettling distraction, you two might get a joint energy kick out of thinking through options for some new work and/or lifestyle arrangements… maybe even a joint project.
When my sister-in-law (SIL) became pregnant, she contacted my estranged father (10 years); she knew that we wanted nothing to do with him, and that we’d be upset. She invited him to our nephew’s baptism - we chose not to go when we found out he’d attend.
She’s now manipulated the situation to a breakdown of communication between my brother and us (my mom, sister, and I). She expected us to forgive my father for a lifetime of hurt and disappointment but she herself won’t forgive us for not attending the christening. She says she contacted my dad in
the name of family!
We’ve not seen my nephew since he was three-months-old. For his first birthday, she invited our extended family but excluded we three. And my brother has cowed to her will and won’t confront their obvious issues!
Worse, they’ve both disrespected my mom who’s the best mother-in-law a girl could want. I’m devastated as well.
My mom and sister have given up but I’m hoping you can help.
- Hopeless in Vancouver
To help your family – and not just maintain the split in it – consider this different view: Your brother wanted to re-connect with his father, through his son’s birth. He’s used to strong women managing attitudes and events, so he got his wife to handle it. She wanted to raise the then-missing strength of male presence in her son’s line. And, as a new mother, felt that joy and forgiveness would reign.
Yes, she might’ve discussed this ahead with your mother, but it seems unlikely any of you three women would allow a crack in your firm front.
Your father may’ve been a hurtful disappointing person. But she chose to deal with the present, and give him a chance to redeem himself with the next generation.
You’ll see your nephew and heal your family a lot faster if you appreciate this woman’s intent, and move forward with her.
I was 16, he was 19; we’d dated for a year when his high-school crush returned; he dropped me. Later, he said he missed me. We dated for four months, then I left for school.
He’s been with someone else, but we’re talking again daily. He says he still has feelings for me even though he cares deeply for her.
I’m still crazy about him. Do I hold on to the hope that he might take me back one last time?
It’s been three years and I have no confidence without him.
- No Other Guy
You’ve been using this guy as your emotional crutch for long enough; he knows it, and either “returns” because he enjoys the flattery or thinks he’s helping you by responding to your neediness. He’s not.
Time to work at developing other friendships, and at lifting your self-confidence through pursuing new skills, interests and/or counselling.
Tip of the day:
When a crush becomes an obsession, change the situation in which it flourishes.