My girlfriend of five years and I, are both 28; I run my own business. I want to marry her, but she’s given me an ultimatum that I must get engaged now and marry in 2015. Or, she’ll end it with me.
I’m not financially and emotionally ready, and have asked her to wait until 2016.
She’s very stubborn and she and her parents don’t want an extended engagement period.
I’m afraid if I don’t agree, I’ll lose her.
I’m willing to propose. But getting married when I’m not ready doesn’t make sense.
Her friends and sister all agree with her ultimatum.
I’ve tried to reason and compromise, but she won’t budge.
I haven’t turned to my family and friends about this as I feel they’ll judge her.
It’s time for you to judge yourself and your girlfriend. Consider whether she has strong reasons to be so insistent.
Are you someone who’s likely to delay a wedding date because of your business demands?
Or, is this pressure typical of her gathering support to pressure you?
If so, you can expect future major decisions to be handled this way.
However, if neither scenario applies, decide whether you truly can’t afford a wedding now, financially and emotionally.
You may need to talk to a counsellor about whether your reasons are justified, or just jitters.
I’m a single mother, 55 with two young adult/teenage children. Their father’s been mostly absent from them.
For 10 years I’ve had a married boyfriend who’s involved in our family life. We eat dinner and spend the evenings together almost every day. My kids like and “approve” of him. He gets along excellently with my family and extended family
He lives with his wife of 40 years, in their home, separate bedrooms and no physical intimacy or affection for the last 20 years. When we met, he and his wife were fighting frequently, had separated several times, and had both had affairs.
Two years ago, his wife realized how involved he is with me, and things changed (still no physical intimacy but no longer fighting).
She doesn’t push him to leave me. They’re both involved in their adult children’s lives (I’ve never met them), and will soon be grandparents.
He and I do many activities together, he presents me in public as the woman he’s dating.
My children are aware of his marital status, but don’t care. Unfortunately after a great sexual connection initially, we now have sex rarely (he has erectile dysfunction, never initiates). Nevertheless, we love each other.
My problem is being in the shadows regarding his family. I believe there’s no different future with him. I’m yearning for a real partner.
It’ll be a painful separation for us all.
Recently, I told him I’d joined an online dating site. He was angered.
Should I cut this off completely? Or try to retain the friendship?
Stay Or Go?
You’re already on your way. By joining the dating site, you’ve taken first steps.
It’s time. His emotional connection to his own family is deepening.
You’ve helped each other through a decade of not wanting huge changes. But you’re ready for taking some risks to try to find a true partner.
Explain this to him kindly. The friendship will eventually fade.
Don’t rush online dating and build unrealistic expectations, or disappointments will send you back to a relationship that can no longer satisfy.
Join activities where you meet new people, to build a network towards finding a mate.
I’m a widow after 25 years of marriage to a man who did everything to please me. We had many friends, were very active in sports, arts circles, and the community. Everyone’s keeping me very busy. It’ll soon be a year since he suddenly died.
I’m being urged to consider dating. I won’t go online for it, so is there any hope of meeting someone, and loving/being loved again?
You’re naturally somewhat scared but there’s always hope. You’re especially lucky to have so many friends, contacts, and varied interests, all of which will keep you socially connected and meeting people.
But only you can decide when your grief has eased enough for you to be comfortable with dating.
When you are, take time to get to know other men on their own merit. Don’t hurry a desire for the security of the past. This is a new phase of your life.
Tip of the day:
Probe why you’re not “ready” to marry someone you love.