My wife of 25 years moved out six months ago. I was working out of town for one year, returning home every two weeks. 

She rejected counselling so I go myself. She’s moved in with her girlfriend and won’t return any contact.

She says she still loves me but doesn’t want a relationship with me. She changed her name back.

She says I don’t help her financially and morally but I pay all the bills.

She’s 48; her mom died recently; our older child still lives with me.

She now wants to sell our house.

I can’t get any answers as to why she did this. I want her back; I never fooled around on her.

She said she wants to be on her own now, with only responsibility for herself.

Should I move on?

- Lost

She’s given you answers, but you don’t acknowledge them. She’s undergoing huge emotional changes – loss of her mother, she’s possibly menopausal with hormone changes. 

She needs counselling for her own sake – for grief, for age changes, for transitions, even if she stays on her own. You could suggest this, so long as you’re clear it’s about going by herself for her own needs.

She may need money, which is why she’s pushing for the sale. Consider offering an interim support arrangement (discuss this with your lawyer) for, six months, while you both think through your future plans.

Meanwhile, show her some understanding that she’s in the midst of major personal upheaval. That approach will help you two discuss things.

Throughout our 27-year marriage, my husband’s ex has written letters to him about everything: proselytizing him religiously (she’s Born Again Christian) begging him to improve communication with her for “the children’s” sakes (these children were married adults when they divorced).  

He’s now 84; I’m 63.

She even sends suggestions for Christmas presents, including for herself.

I’ve avoided this dynamic, other than to tell my husband that it upset me.

We recently suffered a huge business reversal, lost part of our home and office to a hurricane and my husband was diagnosed with Parkinson’s.

He’s now retired, so I have great stress as renovator, caregiver, and new business-owner.

Our combined income is less than his ex, and she’s demanding more support and involving the “children.”

My therapist says it’s time for her to be over the divorce. My husband has always capitulated to his children’s pleadings. He’s now too stressed and ill to risk offending them and their mother.

I have no problem dealing head-on with the children or the ex, but I feel this is what she wants, as then she can direct her anger at me through them.

- Fed Up

Do NOT confront his ex. Your husband should call his children together (if impossible, then hand-write them all) and state that his health can no longer tolerate stress. He should tell them he loves them, and inform them of his wishes and plans in the event of his passing. 

He must clearly state his plans for you (or you’ll be hounded by these people for years).

After that, his relationship with his children should be based around calls and visits, and keeping in touch with the grandchildren. When arguments and problems are raised, he must tell them to handle them, he can’t, and they’re adults.

His ex’s letters should be ignored (any threats require a lawyer’s response); all communication should only be with his offspring.

I’m early 20’s with one child; my boyfriend of six months was verbally and physically abusive towards me, in front of my daughter. 

I left, he was arrested for assault; I was pregnant.

He’s helping me out with groceries and rent. He wants us to re-connect; I don’t.

He needs to return to school or get a job and his own place.

Will our relationship be abusive again if I get back with him? He’s not known for keeping his word.

- Afraid

He needs to prove himself to himself, before you can trust him. 

Insist on living apart while he gets himself into a better situation and sticks with it for a solid year, at least.

If he can’t do that, he’ll be just as frustrated and angry as he was when he lashed out at you. And this time two children will be witness to abuse, while you suffer.