I feel my wife doesn't realize that her extra 55 pounds since we married risks our relationship. No, that’s not me being shallow. Men are visual, I've tried to embrace pleasantly plump, but I’m just not attracted to her. It has hurt our intimacy and sex life. We make love less frequently, and it's not because I don't love her deeply. We do make love during our tender moments of talking and hugging. Overall our relationship is good.
I feel I'm missing out on having a passionate relationship because of my lack of physical attraction to her. We’ve talked about her health. She’s aware of the increased risks with no exercise, poor diet; her reasons for overweight. She says she likes herself and is happy the way she is even though there’s a family history of heart disease and cancer.
Deep inside, I’ll be mad if she gets ill and has done nothing to care for herself. I want a better sex life, and for her to be healthy. I’m very active and would love her to join me biking, walking, skiing etc.

- Turned Off

Not shallow? Well, okay, let’s say instead that you come off as a tad self-centered. Sure, you care for her health, but you seem to care a lot more for sex with a hot-bod partner. There’s usually more than just sloth and overeating behind excess weight gain: There’s insecurity, loneliness, a dozen other reasons… including low self-esteem, that sometimes comes from having a partner who’s never fully accepting of you as you are. Will she be “mad deep inside” if you have a ski accident that permanently disables you? Just wondering, since much of what you write is all about getting and doing what you want.
Besides occasional cuddling, I suggest you listen more to what she wants – more help at home with kids and housework? More time for her? More laughter and time together? Encourage her to walk with you every day, even for 15 minutes, when you can talk and share your day. It’s a start to being a help instead of a critic.

My wife and I are invited to dinner to celebrate a fairly recent friend’s 40th birthday. Do we take a gift? They said that they are footing the bill and want us to join them, as their sole guests. What is proper?

- Unsure

As the saying goes, there are no “free” lunches or 40th birthday dinners. This invitation appears an overt gesture to forge a closer friendship; their picking up the tab is designed to please, and possibly impress you. Think ahead whether there’s some reason you can guess as to why they’re pushing the friendship along.
If nothing seems odd or off-putting, a small, affordable gift is a way of showing you’re not jumping in too deep too fast. A humourous book is my gift suggestion.

’ve been married 18 months, but with my husband over five years. He’s initiated sex few times, and ignored my wishes and concerns on this. He’s very involved in his work and sits on the computer even when I’m beside him. I’m fed up and slept with someone else I now have feelings for. My husband and I also have separate bank accounts but he’s controlling over finances. I feel like we’re roommates.
However, he treats me well and I know he loves me. I’ve told him I now feel disconnected from him; he wants a chance to show he can change and give me what I need.
We’re trying to give us a chance but is it too late? I still think about this other man and I no longer have interest in having sex with my husband.
Do I actually love this other man? Or was it just an affair?

- Disconnected

It was an affair, and any sexual connection would have been heady stuff for you. But something about your husband kept you together and had you marry him, after years of his being this distant, work-preoccupied guy. Now, you’ve got his attention. So give him a chance.
However, don’t expect long-lasting change from him unless you both open up fully. You need to tell him why the affair was so necessary; and he needs to tell you why he’s so unemotional with you. You’d do well to seek marital counselling to help you explore how you can both work at improving your relationship.