I’m 35, living in Canada since 1996. I went back to India and married a guy I love. I sponsored him, we lived here five years, and after my daughter was born, we returned to India.

Due to my father-in-law’s daily mental torture of me, I ran back here a year later with my daughter.

I never told my busy husband about the torture (from his grandmother and aunt, too). He refused to hear anything negative about his family.

I visited India several years later, we tried, but failed to reconcile, though he always claimed he loves me.

Then he got married and had another daughter.

Suddenly, he arrived here, called me one month ago, and again wants to reconcile.

Yet he has his new wife’s immigration file in process.

Previously, he’d put up his family immigration file but I never co-signed. He did so on my behalf. Until we divorced, that file was still processing and he kept using my income information.

When I now asked him to stop his wife’s file, he refused, saying he’s thinking to reconcile but not yet committed. He also wants to stay with me.

Is he using me? I love him a lot.

Confused or Used?

He’s using you.

Don’t risk your heart, your finances, and your innocence in his schemes, as he plays fast and loose with immigration laws.

He didn’t defend you initially when his family tormented you. His wanting to stay with you and pretend to reconcile while bringing over his wife, will leave you devastated when he’s gone off with her. Not to mention his coming in and out of your daughter’s life.

Make sure your name and/or information are not still on any file he’s processing.

My friend recently had her car broken into. Her backpack containing her laptop was stolen. She's notoriously messy and her car’s always filled with junk, so nice bait for thieves. She regularly leaves valuables in the back of her car, while I leave all valuables in the trunk.

Recently, a friend sent a group message asking us to donate some money to help our friend recover the laptop cost. I’m uncomfortable with this because I feel the error was stupid and not a one-time mistake with unfortunate luck.

I’m also a student without an income and can't afford enough to make a difference. She and I have also grown distant over the last year, although we used to be very close.

Last year my boyfriend ran into some bad luck and had two laptops stolen in a short period of time and I offered him no help (nor was it expected/asked) to buy a new laptop.

Should I contribute the money? If not, how do I turn the request down?

Student Dilemma

It’s a very nice gesture on the friend’s part and you should first note this in your reply.

The next statement should be, that as much as you feel sorry she had this happen, you’re a student with no disposable income.

None of your judgments about whether it was her own fault, or your distanced friendship, matters here. Nor does your response to your boyfriend need to be mentioned.

You can’t afford to donate, period.

However, in the spirit of the season, you might send a note to this once-close friend saying you wish her well. Generosity of thought could enrich your friendship (as in, your boyfriend’s two losses were “bad luck,” while her one loss was “stupid”).

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman “stuck” with a critical husband who’s harsh with their children (Nov. 26):

Reader – “I could’ve written that letter 15 years ago. Unfortunately, I couldn’t face being a single parent.

“I wish I’d been braver because we’ve now been married 30 years, with children in their mid-20's, and he’s changed very little.

“The kids don't enjoy his company much, as he makes little effort to connect with them except to criticize.

“I now feel robbed of a rich family life. I don't enjoy his company much either.
 “Perhaps if I’d left, I may’ve ended up in similar circumstances (with someone else) or struggled to support my family alone.

“People (like those husbands) don't generally change much unless they make a conscious effort, and the first step is recognizing that their behaviour’s inappropriate.

“Being the major breadwinner seems to add fuel to some men’s sense of entitlement to berate their spouses and kids.”