I’m a middle-aged mom of a daughter, 25, who always wears very cleavage-baring clothes. She’s beautiful, with an equally beautiful figure.
My husband’s been her stepfather since she was age eight. She’s not lived with us since she was 16.
We now have a good relationship and she visits us often. However, she’s taken to going bra-less in flimsy materials where her full breasts and nipples are visible.
I wouldn’t want ANY woman coming to my home with my husband there, wearing practically nothing. I haven’t said anything to her about this because my past comments about how she presents herself publicly caused long rifts between us. But my two younger daughters at home idolize and emulate her.
I don’t want to risk alienating my daughter. How do I deal with my embarrassment and sexual jealousy?

- Stressed in Montreal

At 25, what she chooses to wear in public is her business, even if you find it objectionable. BUT, it’s your business how she appears in your home.
It’s time you stopped being afraid to alienate her… this may even be her adult way of “testing you,” wanting you to care enough to be honest (without putting her down).
Try to do it gently, and with humour, as in “You’re gorgeous, but we’re seeing too much of you for parental comfort, so here’s a shirt to wear while you’re here.”
Also, be upfront in explaining that the younger girls aren’t allowed to dress like that, as they’re not as capable as she is to handle any overt reaction.
However, “sexual jealousy” has nothing to do with her clothing. It’s related to your own insecurities, perhaps about middle age, perhaps about your marriage. If it persists, talk to a therapist about it.

I was diagnosed with cancer two years ago at 27; my in-laws backed away, and treated me cruelly. They’ve even tried to take my husband “home” because I couldn’t work, and they worried about him losing money. They’ve repeatedly told him and family members that I’m faking serious illness for love or sympathy. My husband reminds them he’s seen the medical reports.
My health has worsened, and I don’t know how much more I can take. When we go to family functions, I often, and obviously, get sick and must leave the room. They won’t acknowledge it or help.
My husband initially stood up to them, but now says, “that’s just how they are.”
I have wonderful friends but it bothers me that my in-laws mock me though I’ve been ill in front of them while visiting; it becomes a physically and emotionally uncomfortable time for me.

- Trying to Survive in Chicago

You naturally want to be excused from seeing your in-laws and enduring their mean behaviour… but the only person who can make you comfortable about doing this, is your husband. He needs to confront them.
If he’s worried that he’ll end up estranged from them, ask him how close he thinks he’ll be if your condition deteriorates dangerously, and they still ignore you. He has to spell it out, even bring medical records; then, he must insist they show support, NOW, or lose the chance for further contact with both of you.
Your need for less stress, in order to cope with the illness, takes precedence to indulging “how they are.”

What’s the acceptable, non-intrusive reaction when you spot a celebrity on the street?

- Curious

Smile and nod. Do NOT scream or rush the person; it can signal very intrusive swarming.

My neighbour became my best friend; she’d see me and phone every day. She said she’d never move because of our friendship.
Two years ago, she moved far away - it was a complete shock. I was very sad and angry. I’m older, and I don’t think she realized what we had.
I don’t drive, so can’t visit easily. I try to still talk every day even though it’s long distance.
But why can’t I get past these feelings of hurt and betrayal?

- Still Angry

You were disappointed, not betrayed. Some people don’t take well to change, especially when it’s unexpected.
Also, there may’ve been unhappy feelings about “leavings” or losses in your past that this woman’s move has re-triggered.
But she, too, is maintaining contact through your phone calls. Suggest a plan for a visit there, or somewhere halfway for both.
Meanwhile, try to build other connections in the neighbourhood.