My husband got us new phones. The bill, on my email, showed an unknown number. When asked who it was, he said, just a work friend.
He then got a secret phone. I snooped to find the bills. There was texting at 5:30 am, all day at work, and three-to-four hours of texting her from home till 10pm.
We had a big blowout; he says he never touched this woman (he’s home every night).
I said it’s an emotional affair, which he denies. Now he sulks and blames me for him not having a friendship anymore.
He gives me the silent treatment, and only buys things for himself – a new computer, TV, etc., and says to pay my own bills myself.
He’s grieving over the loss of HER!!
I know that, but there’s also my pain and the way he now resents me. I'm still paying the price.
You’re right. That seems to be what you need to hear, understandably, but it’s obviously not what you’re going to hear from him…. not now, maybe never.
You do have a wise, even generous understanding of what he’s going through.
So give him space, awhile, and don’t deepen a grudge-based division from which you both can’t reconcile.
Try to create some pleasant times…. perhaps a movie, tell him about a book you read and liked, suggest a walk for both of you to enjoy the season, anything that breaches the silence.
If nothing works, ask him to go to counselling with you to get back on track as a couple.
My husband’s been retired for four years. He does everything in the home. So long as I keep my fulltime job and don’t dip into our savings, he’s happy. However, I feel resentful that I’m made to get out of his hair and, even on my day off, I feel like I’m cramping his style.
I’m feeling like I’m a bother, a child in this relationship. It’s not doing any good for my self-esteem.
I don’t mind my job, and I make okay money, but for some reason I’m feeling the fool and that he’s laughing at the situation behind my back.
I sense control, which I suspect has been around a long time. Whatever your arrangements were when he was working, he’s now set new rules for this phase of a life he’s living “apart.”
You could play with some of your own rules: Take a day off and see if there’s anything going on that you don’t know about. OR, come home unexpectedly early to see if you find he has something in progress.
If nothing’s happening, he’s just trying to carve out his own space and manage his time as a free agent…. perhaps no different in feel to him than when you both worked.
But he’s wrong. Retirement of even one partner is a new life phase, which must be discussed together.
You are NOT a fool or a child. Protect your self-esteem and speak up, saying you won’t be intimidated and pushed out of “his way.”
Insist you share an understanding of what he does with his time, and how that intersects with your time at home.
Note: There’s always the possibility that he’s doing nothing and embarrassed about his lack of purpose or status. Keep an eye and ear open for that. It would suggest he get counselling to learn to make retirement a renewing and rewarding phase, which it is for many.
I married at 21 to a man eight years older. We’d been together for three years and told ourselves that age doesn’t matter. But, at that stage of life it does. I was discovering who I was as an adult; he’d already done that.
Eventually, I was “wooed” by another man at work and began an affair 18 months into my marriage. Reflecting now, I don’t know why I did it, but at 21 didn’t really know what I wanted.
The truth came out; we got divorced, and went our separate ways. I know I hurt him but I probably hurt myself more, as it took me years to find the right path.
Blaming behaviour that hurts others on youth (something very common) is made more acceptable if you also take responsibility.
You’ve done that, had your own tough experiences, and hopefully learned a better way to deal with people who care about you.
Tip of the day:
After an affair, when both spouses are hurting, moving forward takes deep understanding.