I'm in my late 30's and was in a five-year relationship with a man six years younger.
We lived together until he ended it, stating he loves me but “isn’t in love” with me anymore.
I wanted a family, he did too, initially. But our timelines were different.
He felt pressure about our age difference, leading to loss of emotional connection.
I discovered just before moving out that I was pregnant.
Yet we both embraced it and agreed that even if we didn't get back together, we’d be great co-parents.
I was ecstatic.
However, I had a miscarriage and now am in deep sorrow - mourning the loss of the love of my life and the baby, and feeling very confused about how to move forward.
I don’t know if I should cut him out completely or continue to have a friendship while I'm mourning this miscarriage.
I still love him, but am deeply hurt and afraid of how I’d feel if he meets someone else during this time.
He’s still not "in love" despite caring immensely about me and wanting to spend time together weekly.
I'm having a tough time letting go of our relationship. And accepting that I may not meet someone to have a natural child with, given my age.
I’m unsure of the best path.
Upset and Confused
These are two major emotional events, and you’ll do best if you separate them somewhat.
Your miscarriage is a loss of its own. You clearly need to grieve it, for its own sake.
You’d built excitement and expectations which are now on hold (not gone forever).
So grieve in whatever way is healthy for you. If seeing your “ex” weekly helps you to partly share this loss, go ahead.
Meanwhile, this is NOT the time to assume you’ll never have a child. Your circumstances can change greatly.
It’s been shown repeatedly that the biological “clock” differs between women.
If you need a defined process to air your feelings regarding either the loss of the baby or of the relationship, consider getting counselling rather than struggling with this alone.
Moving forward requires taking purposeful steps to help you heal, recover, and regain a positive perspective on your life – still young, still healthy, still capable of loving anew.
My middle sister was the family “baby” until I came along.
She can be mean and vicious when crossed, and holds a grudge forever.
She initially (verbally) attacked my wife, then me for supporting my wife.
Recently, our older sister died.
For years, both sisters had fought with our handicapped brother’s adult children over his health care.
So my sister sent me a nasty email for “allowing” our niece to bring her father to the hospital to say goodbye to his dying sibling.
I lost it, and responded that our relationship was finished.
However, she also has stage four cancer. What do you do in this situation?
Damned Either Way
Decide what course of action you can accept for your own peace of mind.
One sister’s gone, your brother’s life is difficult, and this sister is very ill as well as very difficult.
You’re not comfortable with cutting her off or you wouldn’t have written me.
If you think staying distanced is the only way to preserve your own well being, so be it.
But if you can accept that her reactions are being exacerbated by her illness and treatments, then slowly re-connect, while maintaining some boundaries.
I want to become more of a team player at work. I feel I'm not really connecting with the staff.
Many times I’ll complement my co-workers on clothes or appearance or on successes, and I get no response.
Also, when I walk into the lunch room it seems conversation stops.
I don't expect to become best friends, but I'm just trying to be professional and civil/friendly with everyone.
I feel comfortable not wearing makeup or dyeing my hair. Everyone else there gets hair/nails etc. done regularly. Could that be contributing to my exclusion?
At A Loss
You may be trying too hard, which can come out sounding false.
You don’t have to flatter people to be liked. Just be yourself, polite, professional, and friendly without expecting to be personal “friends.”
The team’s achievement is what you can comment on, so long as it’s not over exaggerated.
Encouragement to staffers is also appreciated, so long as it’s not overdone.
Tip of the day:
Deal with a loss for its own sake, rather than lump all hurts together.