I've just turned 40, separated for a year, with two older teens. I’d married at 20 to a man, 31. Our marriage became more of a friendship and we parted ways.

His current relationship with a live-in partner likely started long ago. I met a much-younger man who swept me off my feet.

We have amazing talks, enjoy all the same things, and spend a lot of time together. However, he lives at home without responsibility and just finished university. He's very mature for his age and knows what he wants, but currently it’s all talk. No action.

I’m now enjoying being alone, and I believe I've outgrown him. But he won't let go.

His parents recently found out about us, very much disapprove, and threatened to take the vehicle they paid for away from him. So he said we’re through.

He lies to them when he’s with me (often). His mother gave him a curfew, calls, or messages often, or has his sisters do it. I don’t want to be part of this anymore.

I've outgrown him sexually, and sex is non-existent. I see him as a boy with mommy issues.

I don't want to waste any more time. I've concluded that the only way to end this is to call his mom and say he’ll not stop harassing me.

Too Old for This

You may be too old but you’re acting immaturely yourself. Tell him it’s over, and mean it. Don’t make this his mother’s fault, when the truth is you have outgrown him.

He was your Transition Lover. The time needed to transition into being single - helped by his company – has passed, and the “lover” part no longer works for you.

His mother’s being the most upfront and realistic, despite her controls – her “boy” isn’t the right man for you.

You be the grownup and tell him so.

As a woman whose libido dropped significantly after menopause, I suggest that women who’ve lost their libido should still make the effort to make love with their partners.

It’s not fair to expect your partner to go for months without sex just because you're not really in the mood.

Sex is not just about the act itself, but also about the loving gesture it represents and the intimacy it builds between couples. Unless sex is actually painful, there’s no reason why a couple can't use lubricants to make intercourse easier and enjoy the closeness that loving sex creates.

Sex Benefits Marriage

Your point is well taken. However, in many of the emails I get about wives who’ve given up on sex, there’s another story between the lines…. of emotional distance that already occurred long before menopause, or of pre-existing power struggles that now include the new divided camp about sex.

The following Feedback is for those who are still interested in trying to deal with loss of libido, and I also strongly recommend to women and men who lose libido, to see their doctors for a health check and to discuss the various ways to treat this change:

Reader – “The SIGMA Canadian Menopause Society - an independent, multidisciplinary group of family physicians and specialists interested in menopausal and postmenopausal health - had its first big conference recently in Ottawa.

“A survey was presented about the emotional and physical impact of vaginal atrophy (VA) on couples.
“But besides lubricants for use during sex, there are also treatments that can help fix the problem, rather than just treat a symptom.”

FEEDBACK Regarding the girl, 16, who's worried that a boy will never like her (May 9):

Reader – “I'm almost 19, and by your age had only been on two dates, with two different guys. I was also, like you, involved in extra-curricular activities, and very busy keeping up my grades in the high 80s. I had crushes, but felt none of them liked me, and never had the guts to ask.                “You are absolutely not hopeless! You will find a man (or a man will find you!) who loves you for who you are, and respects what's important to you.

“I met my current boyfriend in grade 12, and I'm very happy and proud to say that he's promised to marry me. He cares about me deeply, and it hurts him when I put myself down like you’re doing. You're an accomplished student, and there's nothing wrong with that.”