My niece, 21, who just graduated University, has had a “secret life” for a couple of years.

My sister just informed me, and said it included strip dancing and lap dancing to earn income.

More shocking, she’s been deeply involved for over a year with a man her father's age (47), and her parents believe that he supplies illegal drugs to her (grass, perhaps pills).

They’ve also discovered graphic emails, which he’s sent to her, that describe highly sophisticated and aggressive sexual acts he looks forward to engaging her in. He apparently purchases expensive sex toys for their activities.

It seems my young niece met him while dancing at a strip club.

This man (a divorce lawyer) has now left his childless 18-year marriage, put the family home on the market, and moved into a rental.

HOW might my sister and brother-in-law deal with their daughter to avert a terrible tragedy in her young life?

I’m nervous there might be deeper underlying problems.

Worried Sick

Her parents have to proceed very thoughtfully, even strategically, or they risk losing contact with her altogether.

The factors towards this are: 1) she’s of adult age of consent; 2) she’s seemingly enthralled with the excitement of the man’s attention; 3) their “opponent” is a man in lust, who possesses a legal mind that can influence her greatly, and also appears to be making moves that’ll include her even more.

They should talk immediately to a therapist about how to approach their daughter, without frightening her away from them and closer to him.

Instead of being about judgment (his age, strip-clubs, marijuana), it should be about their love for her and concerns about her future - for her sake only.

This may seem perfectly obvious, but a mis-step could create misunderstandings and future estrangement, which is the worst outcome for them and her.

Even if she sticks by this man, they need to try to stay close, and meet him, too, if they’re together.

She’s young and vulnerable, and your suggestion that she may have deeper problems underlying her attraction to him, could signal later complications.

They’d then be needed even more, to get her to professional counselling to help her re-assess her choices.

I’m late-40s, a professional woman, long divorced, have a terrific daughter currently in University. I’ve been in a four-year relationship with a very successful, attractive man who treats me like a queen… when he can.

We don’t live together as his ex-wife moved far away, leaving him with a troubled son and manipulative daughter, both in their 20s, who don’t work, just stay at home making a mess all day.

When he stays over for a weekend, or we travel, his wife’s sister helps out. I naturally want a full-time relationship living together, but not if I have to take on his son and daughter.

Do I just dump this man who adores me, is sexually superb, and buys me fabulous gifts?

Weighing My Options

Don’t dump, do confront: What are his plans for independence for his adult children? Are they getting treatment/therapy/education to help them earn a living and move on their own?

IF he has no plans, then you can’t have any with him. He’s still “attached,” though his commitment to his children is understandable. However, it’s doing neither them nor him any good, just stalling realities.

You didn’t mention “love.” Without it, you’ll never last in this part-time arrangement, no matter the goodies that he provides to buy time and your acceptance.

FEEDBACK Regarding an earlier column whereby betrayed husband insisted wife/boss fire her former lover/employee (May 15):

Reader #1 – “It’s the right way to go, unless, she’s a supervisor and may also be found liable for her actions.

“Personally, I’d take no prisoners to not suffer a job loss to save my boss' marriage. She reportedly doesn't want to terminate him because his work’s good and he’s hard to replace. Higher management may thus find that it’s easier to terminate her.
“Even if self-employed, labour laws may have something to say.”

Reader #2 – “I believe a person can only be
fired for cause, and sexual activity doesn’t come under that requirement, so the man would have grounds for a wrongful dismissal suit.”

Ellie – Many people responded similarly. However, the husband later wrote me that none of these concerns applied to the private company his wife owns. A wrongful dismissal suit might prove him wrong.