Recently, my ex-boyfriend came into my workplace, with his girlfriend.
I hadn't seen him since our break-up four years ago, and loathed the thought of ever seeing him again.
I didn't notice him at first and, initially addressed his companion (who was gorgeous).
Once I realized that it was him, I was no longer able to concentrate.
I quietly and, I believe awkwardly, said "hey" once I looked at him. He responded with an equally hesitant "hey."
After stating that our business was closed (we really were five minutes away from closing) the woman said she was displeased and requested to use our bathroom.
I then noticed my colleague beside me pointing her toward the restroom.
I'm unsure what I did or said within those next moments.
When I snapped back into reality, I quietly asked my co-worker to cover for me, and then went out the back entrance to smoke a cigarette and cry shamelessly.
I DO realize that I handled the situation immaturely and without any control.
However, I cannot help that I experienced such a raw emotional reaction.
Upon reflecting, I'm embarrassed about my lack of functioning with him, my lack of professionalism at my workplace, and my lack of attractiveness compared to her.
Have you some insight as to why I've been harboring such intense feelings for four years, and why they weren’t left in the past?
Your embarrassment’s about all the things you wished you’d said, done, and felt.
But yours was a perfectly natural reaction.
Break-ups are hurtful, with an implicit sense of rejection and failure. Even when the break-up’s been anticipated, people are left feeling unloved and flawed because they gave of themselves and it didn’t work out.
Then there he was, with no chance for you to be prepared, to look unaffected, to not notice, or compare yourself to his new partner. The situation sucked, period.
It was personal, not business. Not unprofessional. You wisely left to cry, when your colleague could take over.
And his “hey” was no more articulate or in command than yours was.
The worst is over. Move on.
If you can’t, it’s about self-confidence, not about him. Work on new positive experiences in your life, and consider therapy to help.
Commentary - I’m a divorced woman, educated, and considered attractive, slim, and fit (a dancer and teacher) with a beautiful home and two wonderful, grown children.
I’ve found that many men who are dating online are eager to date professional, accomplished women and very quickly either marry or MOVE IN to their homes!
I've met quite a few who are attracted to a pension and an affluent lifestyle.
Many of these men don’t work.
Several years ago, a man began pressuring me two months into our relationship. He was unemployed, with two daughters (one of them in need of very expensive medication) and he was beyond eager to move into my home.
After several discussions and arguments, that relationship didn't progress further.
Then came a lawyer in his early 60s, who wanted to remarry as he was used to having housework and laundry done for him.
I also dated a workaholic doctor who had horrible relationships with his two children, plus terrible social skills and not a single friend.
I'm always happy to hear success stories when online daters fall in love.
Still, I recommend extensive research into potential partners met through online dating. Background checks are essential.
I’m in my late-40s, married to a man 20 years older, and having trouble with HIS difficulties with aging.
I still love him, and understand that he may tire more quickly than I do.
But I’m worried about his recent tendency to avoid seeing our close friends.
He says he feels depressed when others are talking about their sports activities (he was once a great tennis player but now can’t run the court without fatiguing).
I’m afraid he’ll isolate us both and make me old before my time.
Keep up contact with friends and family, and get out with or without him. Make sure you maintain your own fitness and well being, plus good humour, in order to not succumb to his isolating tactics.
Insist that he see his doctor and learns the true state of his health and abilities, rather than just worrying about it.
Alert his doctor to his depression about aging. He needs reassurance, but may also need medication.
Tip of the day:
Intense feelings left from a breakup are natural but fade with confidence, and, if needed, counselling.