My sister has two grown sons, early-30's. One recently got married and chose not to invite her, probably because there’d be a fuss when she and their father, met at the wedding. They’ve been divorced for 10+ years; both have new partners, lives, etc.
I felt it was perhaps an excuse for what the son really meant… not wanting her there.
The second son’s getting married this fall and has invited her, but also invited her ex-boyfriend who’d stalked her, prior to marrying her current husband.
The son has apparently kept up a relationship with this man.
She’s very upset that her son invited him. He’s not a person she’d associate with.
When asked why he’s invited, the son had no answer, he just got angry.
She’s decided not to attend. My opinion is that this son also may’ve given her an excuse to not come.
The two boys talk cordially with her on the phone (they live elsewhere), and she visits and has reasonable relationships with their partners.
She feels hurt and shunned by them, and that her feelings should be taken into account.
I’ve only heard her side, but perhaps the sons are harboring resentments regarding their parents’ divorce years ago.
Or, is she making too big a deal of this and SHE should suck it up and just go to the wedding with her new husband, ignoring the guy she once called the police on?
Having both sons not invite their mother to their weddings, is a strong statement about past family fractures that haven’t healed.
Message to Mom: These sons don’t have much empathy for her side of past events. For them, it’s over – the divorce trauma, plus the boyfriend drama.
However, given the mostly cordial relationship she has with them and their partners, and her likely desire to know any future grandchildren, she should attend with her current husband, and avoid her ex without creating an incident.
But she should try to be civil to their father, so the sons needn’t worry about future events.
If she doesn’t, she risks all that’s well with this son, and possibly with the other, too.
I'm 23, married one year, with a six-week-old son. My grandparents believe your elders are always right. My husband’s looking for work, but nervous about me handling the baby alone, and addressed his fears (of that happening when he gets a job).
My grandparents called him a bad example for the baby. I demanded an apology, and got a rant about how lazy and ungrateful our generation is.
I responded, "Sorry you feel that way, sleep on it, then apologize.”
They also asked pointed questions about our sleeping habits, which we refused to answer.
Whenever I suggest appropriate adult boundaries with them, they balk, and make accusations of laziness, disrespect, etc.
I now don't contact them unless absolutely necessary. They miss me, especially with the birth of their first great grandchild. For his sake, I'd rather not cut them off completely.
They’re grandparents whose attitudes you’ve long known, and are unlikely to change. Don’t demand or expect apologies for familiar “rants.” Your sensitivities as a new mom are understandable, but you may regret overreacting.
Instead, live as you two decide is right for you, neither expecting help, nor applause.
Set normal boundaries – when and how often they can visit with you and your son. If they insult your husband again, say that they either keep criticisms to themselves or visits stop for awhile.
My marriage ended due to my husband’s infidelity. It’s taken me three years to move forward. I’ve become friendly with my daughter’s friend’s mom.
Then she told her story... a 25-year affair with a married man. Her daughter’s their daughter. They’re now fighting over money, support, etc.
She goes on about his "fat bipolar" wife and how much they love each other, though he’s STILL married and won’t leave her.
I cannot deal with hearing her talk about it. I’ve stopped hanging out with her.
But she still asks me to go for a drink, or a hike, and our daughters are still good friends.
I want to tell her why I cannot listen to her story anymore. She knows why my marriage ended.
Tell her. It’s kinder than her insensitivity. Say you’re fine with outings with daughters, but not with a story that reminds of your betrayal.
Tip of the day:
Parents: Wedding rifts can curtail a relationship with your offspring, and future grandkids.