My bright, beautiful daughter has had a 20-year relationship, having raised the man’s children to complete higher education.
She has very low self-esteem. He’s beaten her severely. I live in constant fear that he’ll kill her.
If he drinks to excess, he instantly becomes another person. He increasingly tries to isolate her from our family.
When he’s with her and us, he’s constantly mauling her. Though we always treated her well, she shows no love or affection for me.
Recently, he blew up publicly. I’d had enough of his verbal abuse to me, and told him off.
He would’ve hit me if his sister-in-law hadn’t come between us. He came after my ex-husband first and I think he would’ve hit him, but someone intervened.
My ex-husband’s 75 and I’m 70.
My daughter tells me he has a big fear of her leaving him. I’ve only accepted his abusive ways to not close the door on my relationship with her.
She had to be hospitalized after the worst beating. At the hospital, she was unrecognizable. I’ve never forgiven him.
I rarely see my daughter and our phone conversations have to be on speaker phone for him to hear.
He’s insanely jealous of her brother and she’s torn between the two, causing more arguments.
Since the last embarrassing blow-up, my daughter hasn’t spoken to me.
I texted her, saying I’ll see her on her own, but I cannot tolerate him anymore.
He’s been on disability and hasn’t worked for five years so she pays all household bills, etc.
Yet at his birthday party, he was doing the splits on the dance floor.
He spends money like water, so she’s always in the hole financially and is working three jobs.
How much do parents have to tolerate before they give up? He has lovely parents who are embarrassed as well.
Your daughter’s safety is paramount. Do not give up on contact even if she remains distant out of fear.
He’s a violent alcoholic and a brute. You must intervene in a crisis and report any further assault on her, or anyone else, to police. His own parents may join you.
She needs to know that you’re there for her, unconditionally. Also, that she’s been an exemplary step-mother, holds three jobs, and could survive well without him. Her brother should also boost her self-esteem. This bully’s had free reign far too long.
I've been dating my girlfriend for a year, after a year of friendship. She has a physical handicap which doesn't stop her from being smart, funny, and amazing.
However, a relative who helped raise me doesn’t accept the relationship based on the handicap. This individual’s near-daily insults and pressures have caused me to develop negative thoughts brought on by fears.
My girlfriend helps me, but it's starting to get to her.
One relative’s on our side, but it's hard to mount a defence against someone so vindictive and loud.
With everything my girlfriend deals with, I don't want her to lose faith in me or in us. What can I do?
Conflicted & Frustrated
Decide if you can accept the handicap, no matter what criticism or hardship it brings to you or your girlfriend.
If you can stand by her with love, commitment, and support, be firm and final with this toxic relative.
Say this: Having raised you, for which you’re grateful, doesn’t grant the right to control you. Either you’re accepted as a couple or you’ll go your own way.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who called a married man for an affair because her husband’s mumps made him impotent (Nov. 19):
Reader – “Mumps in males, if contracted after puberty, can have a side effect of swollen testicles, called “mumps orchitis.”
“In a small percentage of cases, this can cause sterility. More often it causes a temporarily reduced sperm count. Check this on Wikepedia, various medical reference sites, etc. I’ve never heard of it causing impotence, nor can I find any reference to it.
“If that woman wanted to use her husband’s “impotence” as an excuse for an affair, she should’ve checked the facts. So should her lover who bought into the excuse for 20 years!”
Ellie – My search also shows that while “infertility” is a relatively rare result of mumps in teenage males, impotence isn’t mentioned.
However, the lover’s issue wasn’t about that… though both were still married, he was surprised she ended their affair.
Tip of the day:
Stay connected any way possible if someone you love’s at risk of violence.