My husband and I argued recently over something in the past.
A year ago, my husband (then-fiancé) was in jail. I was working at a retail store. We’d argued on the phone, before my shift started.

Later, when on my work break, he repeatedly called my cell phone. I wouldn’t answer. He then called the store number. I answered and (not so nicely) said, "I’m working," and hung up.

He phoned back several times. I hung up because I was dealing with customers. He called back and my co-worker answered. She was rude with him, and they exchanged harsh words.

The next day I tossed pop bottles toward the end of my till and a customer felt I was throwing them at her. I was fired.
I know my being fired was from several factors. My husband and I later worked out our previous argument.

Recently, this incident came up and I said how I was upset about it. That was my only income to support a child and me when he was in jail, yet he now gets mad at me saying, I should’ve answered his calls and it wouldn't have happened.

He says he had a right to repeatedly call when I wouldn't answer. I disagree. Am I in the wrong or is he?

Divided Couple

There’s a lot of anger between you two. You both feel “wronged,” but it’s not about this incident.

It’s about his experience in jail (for whatever the reason, it’s a world someone on the outside can’t comprehend equally). And it’s about you having felt pressured, supporting your child alone.

Those are the realities of your joint past. If you’re going to stay together, you must both acknowledge that each had a tough time, it’s over, and you’re going to make this relationship work by not dwelling on old arguments.

If you can’t do that, two wrongs won’t make this right.

FEEDBACK Regarding the “Despairing Husband" whose wife cannot control her alcohol intake (Jan. 5):

Reader #1 – “Sadly, from my own personal experience, an alcoholic won’t quit drinking unless they really want to, or have to.

“I was the drinking wife.

“I was such an embarrassment to my husband when we were out socially. We went to counseling, but nothing helped. I hid it more.... even drinking in sippy cups because we have children.

“Unfortunately, I lost my husband to cancer eight years ago. I drank more because my “personal policeman” was gone.

“I had two kids to raise on my own, and I hit the bottle even more. I got caught drinking and driving, my friends held an intervention.... and that was just in the first year after his death.

“Last year, I ended up hospitalized and diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. The doctors said that if I had another drink I’d be killing myself. I came home and haven’t had a drop since.... over seven months sober!

“My kids are so proud of me and that’s enough reward. The things I’ve learned from them about my “dark days” are staggering. I feel so ashamed and yet I can’t dwell on that or I’d never move forward.

“My lifestyle had to change, but what I always feared from abstaining from alcohol never came true. I feared that I wouldn’t be able to laugh again. Well, I can giggle, laugh and tell jokes!

“I truly hope that the “Despairing Husband” will read this and show it to his wife. This is coming from a woman who drank away 30 years of her life!”

Reader #2 – “Many addicts will not change, or will only change when they hit their bottom. A spouse of an addict may not want to continue along for that ride - nor should they be guilt-driven into doing so.

“Despairing Husband needs to get help from a group like Al-Anon to figure out what he can and cannot tolerate, living with a partner who’s an addict.

“One of the first things Al-Anon teaches you is that you cannot control the alcoholic person in your life. You can only control your response to him/her. Yes, Despairing Husband needs to confront his wife, tell her that she has a drinking problem and that she needs to get help.

“Then, regardless of what his wife does, he has to get himself into a support program for family members of alcoholics to figure out the best way for him to move forward.”