I married her initially because she didn’t possess legal status so I helped her. We now have two sons, seven and a newborn.
However, I’m in the process of leaving my family.
Everyone seems to appreciate me except my wife. I pay the rent, bills, buy groceries, make breakfast, iron, cook, clean, drive her, etc. I do everything with my son and his friends – skating, golfing, fishing, cart racing, basketball, soccer, tennis and swimming lessons. I don’t drink, nor smoke.
Yet it’s hard to get any affection from my wife. We only share intimacy when I initiate it.
She’s happy with everyone else, but with me, there’s resentment, and anger in her voice. She’s told her brother (a pastor) that she withholds sex from me because she won’t make anyone happy if she’s not happy.
I only hear about the things I don’t do well or mistakes I make.
- Looking for Light
Instead of escaping, try a different approach first: Give up being The Martyr doing everything and try to talk to your wife about why she’s unhappy. Ask if she wants to be more of an equal partner in the marriage – e.g. learning to drive, getting out to socialize with other mothers with babies, taking a course, perhaps working part-time.
Though you’ve been admirably devoted to your son and to running the household, she may resent having no power in this arrangement.
Withholding sex is a form of power struggle, as is her negative attitude with you.
Leaving home may still be your choice, once you’ve given the marriage a different try, and considered couples’ counselling too.
Be prepared that separating can create greater hostility between you two and affect later child-rearing issues. Counselling can help prevent that, even if you end up apart.
My father, 82, lost his drivers license due to poor eye sight; he’s had health issues, and doesn’t hear well. He relies on Mom to drive him.
He’s become extremely hard to live with, rude and negative. He uses profanity and embarrasses Mom in public.
If you say anything, he becomes upset, gives you an earful and threatens to leave on his own. I love him but it upsets me to see how he treats Mom, who’s compassionate and patient.
He doesn’t help with household chores, she does everything. He won’t socialize or join senior clubs etc. We worry about the toll this is taking on mom.
Therapy is out of the question and he won’t take prescribed (mood) meds.
I’m 56 and my brother is 50.
- Wit’s End
You’re in the heart-wrenching period when an elderly parents’ needs and personality have changed dramatically. It’s a transition time - you and your brother need to sit down with his doctor to see if other health changes are at play.
If not, ask for referral to a consultant on elder care (social service agencies can also provide this), to make a plan. Include your Mom, but bring in your father only when you’ve come up with some reasonable, workable options.
Simple example: Mom may need some weekly homemaker help (some agencies have fees geared to income); or a twice-weekly “caregiver” who takes Dad out for walks, drives etc.
More complex: if prescribed mood-balancing medication and/or therapy, Dad may need to be told he must comply or he’s becoming too difficult to care for at home.
Before going that route, you might also try insisting that he attend a seniors’ day care several days weekly.
For five months, my boyfriend said he was falling in love with me; he bought me gifts, called every day.
Suddenly, he sent me a text message breaking up with me, saying he needed to be on his own (he was going back to school).
He ignored my messages. Then, he emailed me hoping we could still be friends.
We agreed to meet, but he stood me up.
I need some answer or closure. I want to say to his face that he hurt me and ask him why.
The best “closure” is for you to move on. Confronting him personally won’t change that he hurt you.
If there’s an explanation you could easily accept, he’d have told you it.
Instead, he either got cold feet, feared he couldn’t handle school plus romance, met someone else, etc.
His cowardly retreat did you a favour - you’re better off without him.
Tip of the day:
When doing “everything” for another isn’t working, change your whole approach.