Following are leftover questions from my live chat, Dealing With A Cheater (April 2):
My close friend’s cheating on his fiancée, which bothers me. She’s gorgeous and intelligent, but caught up with his money. She’s planning a big wedding.
But I know he has lots of women on the side, and none are as smart or lovely as she is. He brags about his flings to me, but I’m sure if I say how I feel, our friendship won’t be the same. He doesn’t take criticism.
No criticism or no longer friends? Not as “close” as you think.
Tell him you feel badly for his fiancée and also for him, because you think he’s risking losing her, and also risking passing on a sexually transmitted infection.
Then stop listening, and be true to yourself. If he brags again, say it’s not really a story you like to hear.
My second husband (together nine years) expected me to pay half of everything even though he earned much more. He’d also drop everything (me and my son, then 13) if his adult children called or wanted something.
I met my current husband and left with him. We’ve been together for eight years, get along great, share our earnings, and are equally involved with his daughters and my son.
But my ex sometimes meets up with my son, who likes to think they have a relationship.
I think he tells him I cheated, as my son always comes home uncomfortable with me. Should I confront my ex?
No, talk to your son instead. Say that you understand that he’s pleased to occasionally see this man who was previously in his life, but he must understand that people who were once married often carry negative feelings about the other, and like to get sympathy for themselves.
Say that, in those cases, you believe it’s unkind and disturbing to feed prejudiced views to an ex’es child, and it’s something you would never do. Explain that the private matters that happen in marriages happen for a reason.
The only way to deal with a cheater is to dump him. If you confront him, he’ll lie. If you have evidence, he’ll say it washer pursuing him. Or, he’ll cry and beg forgiveness, promising to end it. He won’t.
Go straight to a lawyer, privately, and take him for every dollar possible. Otherwise the rat will send his money offshore, or hide it some other way.
Your firm voice of experience only stems from a bad situation. Some relationships CAN survive cheating, but few can thrive if it’s repeated.
My partner and I both left other people to be together. But over three stormy/guilty years, we both were with others including our ex’es.
We finally realized we had to be together. It’s been six years, mostly great. But he’ll get jealous for no reason and not trust me. I can’t talk long to another man at a party, mention a co-worker too often, he even got upset about my getting close to a new female friend. How do I convince him I’m not cheating?
Perhaps he worries because you’re attractive, or because he’s realized how much you mean to him.
Reassure him, and continue to be mindful of his feelings.
BUT, if he becomes irrationally jealous and accusatory, you’ll need counselling together to work this out. It may be a deeper distrust based on other things from his past, or persistent guilt over his own cheating on his ex.
Do I tell my kids that their mother cheated? We divorced ten years ago, they were 12 and nine, and both had strong reactions - hating me, hating her, one shaved her head, her brother “ran away” for a weekend and scared us to death. They’ve settled down, but periodically ask about our divorce. I’m remarried, their mother isn’t. I’ll never forgive her for splitting up our family.
Don’t take out your bitterness (revenge?) by badmouthing their mother because, in the end, they’ll never forgive you, either.
As adults, soon getting into serious relationships, they may recognize that people sometimes cheat for a reason, and then see you as equally responsible for the split.
Also, they’ll be old enough to realize it crosses a line to tell even adult children personal sexual details about a parent. Especially since no matter what your ex did, your account will be one-sided.
Tip of the day:
Cheating affects all your other relationships – spouse, children, even friends.