My wife of many years recently received a call from an old boyfriend whom she’d been engaged to before I knew her.
The call was totally unexpected, but I could tell that she was excited to hear from him.
Several days later, I asked if she’d been in further contact with him. She assured me that the phone call was a one-time thing.
Weeks later, I had several calls on my cell phone from the old boyfriend, but didn't know why.
This made me suspicious. I checked her cell phone and found multiple calls on her history, most initiated by her.
I was hurt, but maintained composure and talked with my wife.
She denied having any more contact with him, but when I told her I had proof, she admitted that she lied.
She also admitted that she still has feelings for him but said she’d have no further contact.
Several months ago, she made plans to go on a cruise without me. I have to work. She says she’s going with her mother.
I’m now beginning to wonder if she has alternative plans. The cruise has been fully paid for.
How should I handle this situation? I’ve lost trust in her and am uneasy about her upcoming trip.
You have good reasons for worry.
She lied to you about this man, and admitted feelings for him.
Now it’s your turn to express your truths and feelings: You don’t trust her, and if there’s now a chance she’s going to meet up with this man during the cruise, you can’t just look the other way.
If you love her, say so. Tell her how hurt you’ve been, and that she’s made you distrust her.
Be clear that if she does have further contact with him, you’ll inevitably find out.
Her actions would then launch you both into dealing with the consequences – counselling IF she’ll go, meeting with separate lawyers, effects on your families and friends.
If she insists on going on this cruise, tell her she needs to think through and be truthful about where your marriage is going when she returns.
Reader’s Commentary “My oldest brother, 50, and I hadn't spoken in five fears, until last year when our dad was hospitalized.
“He’d been committing elder abuse against our mother. I called the police, but Mom denied everything to protect him.
“During the week Dad was on life support, it seemed I had my brother back.
“After the funeral, I was the will executor.
“He tried to bully me into doing things against Dad's wishes. He also told heinous lies about Dad.
“I married seven weeks after Dad died. I didn't invite this brother. At that time, the animosity and anger between us would’ve ruined the wedding and reception.
“We had 40 people at the wedding, all who supported our relationship, loved us, and would be there for us in the future.
“I’d left an abusive first husband. I did not stand for my brother using the same abusive tactics on me.
“I wouldn’t invite an abuser to my wedding, brother or not.
“Inviting family to a wedding isn't always the best choice. I don't regret it.
“It's been a year since Dad's passing. Things haven’t changed between my brother and me.
“We invited him out when we were in his town several months ago. He refused each invitation.
“We made the right choice for us. Guilt and fear should never be motivating factors.”
Followed My Heart
FEEDBACK Regarding the girl’s disappointment over a one-week “romance” (August 17):
Reader – “The guy was eager to meet her, then said he wanted to be friends, and to her credit she agreed.
“He then failed to be courteous by not maintaining at least minimal contact with her.
“When accepting an invitation from her, he behaved rudely by ignoring her, which is unacceptable even if his sister, whom he hadn't seen in awhile, showed up.
“Did she make a mistake in texting him? Maybe, but he continued to be rude by not replying.
“Too much drama? Maybe for an insecure, rude person who perhaps thinks that this new friend cannot be trusted.”
Ellie – All this drama took place within one week. She expected frequent texts, knew that at 19 he’d already been through two miscarriages with a previous girlfriend, and was afraid of getting attached too soon. She needed to back off and accept being friends.
Tip of the day:
When lies end trust, a partner can’t just look the other way.