A small group of former classmates has been socializing for years, taking turns hosting. However, my husband doesn't want one specific person in our home. I love my husband and respect his view.
Several years ago this person met my relative (who'd previously attempted to defraud us), and learned of a plan to have police investigate potential abuse occurring in my home.
My "friend" did nothing. She later admitted she'd "wondered if (my relative) would do it." We found out only when police came to our door.
My husband won't forgive her. He considers her complicit in embarrassing us within our community. I see her as weak and voyeuristic, and I'm prepared to interact with her within this larger group.
Meanwhile, they're noticing there hasn't been an event at my home for several years.
Need a Solution
This former "friend" failed you, IF you believe she consciously let the police investigate, for her voyeurism, yet had no belief whatsoever that the charge was true (or else, she was duty-bound to report it herself.)
Your husband has a right to not want to forgive her. Tell her so.
Host the event, but alert her ahead that if she wants to avoid embarrassment herself, she should claim she "can't attend" for some reason, as otherwise, he'll refuse her entrance. This achieves both his intent and yours.
My father passed away last year after battling cancer. I live elsewhere, so experienced much worry, scary phone calls, and last minute flights.
Throughout, my few close friends barely asked how he (or I) was doing.
I flew home to be with him, and then emailed them about his death. One friend emailed back a touching note while the other emailed only "Sorry, that's tough.".
Back home, neither reached out. Several months later our paths crossed and neither my girlfriends nor their spouses (all supposedly good friends) even said, "I'm sorry about your dad."
Ironically, my work colleagues and more distant friends responded more appropriately.
I'm also upset that they didn't ask how my child was handling losing a beloved grandfather. I'd have loved help, as my child's grief was especially difficult while I was going through my own.
Following my dad's death, our family endured the unexpected deaths of numerous family members, which was devastating. My friends don't know - why bother telling them?
Anger and resentment has kept me from sleep. I don't want to keep surrounding myself with negative energy/ emotions.
Should I bring it up after all this time?
I'm going to assume from references to your child that your friends are of an age where they haven't also lost a parent. The experience of that particular grief usually leaves people with a new understanding of the importance of support at that time.
This doesn't excuse them from not making inquiries or reaching out, because surely they've read/heard of how needed that is. But there's also the fact that many people fear the whole area of loss and grief and are extremely poor at handling it.... until they must.
OR, you have been friends with very self-absorbed people, which is also a reality for some in our society. Whatever the background here, you need to clear the air, if you wish to remain friends.
Invite them to coffee, and explain how hurt you were, which has made you question whether they didn't understand, or didn't care. Be prepared - they might apologize, or they might say that you didn't bring them in enough (a frequent excuse, but sometimes bears truth, too).
My husband of three years goes out with friends three to five times weekly. He's rarely late, but he's obsessed with sports, and puts sports and friends first.
However, I cannot imagine life without him and I don't want to.
I'm sometimes invited as a tag-along. It's never just the two of us. I have many female friends, but I limit plans, as I don't want to act the way that I wouldn't want to be treated.
At bars, we always have to spend $80-$100 and if I want to leave, he's totally annoyed.
What's too much going out while you're married?
Not His Priority
The only standard is what your mutual comfort level can accept, along with some compromises from both of you.
If the cost of being out/ drinking is beyond your means, show him this objectively, and suggest one "date night" weekly doing something cheaper, and together.
Tip of the day:
When "friends" consciously fail you, say so. True friends will apologize.