My husband and I met five years ago and got engaged ten months later.
We were in love from the start.
We struggled during our second year and decided to split.
A year later, we’d both grown, reunited, and got married soon after.
We were the happiest newlyweds. Then one morning I discovered photos of my husband and my sister/best friend together (sexually).
I was devastated and felt betrayed. My husband and I went to therapy, and my sister apologized for not telling me before we got married.
BUT she said she wasn't sorry that it happened.
She’s not spoken to me since, nor tried to make things right, though my husband has.
She used to be at my house twice a week at least. We ‘d been very close. I can't believe she’d do this and even worse, do nothing about it.
My husband did everything in his power to keep our marriage intact. I’ve forgiven him.
Yet I’m left wondering, "Does he think she’s better than me sexually?”
“Does he compare us? What did he say about me to her?"
They started seeing each other only a week and a half after we split up and they managed to keep it from me.
How do I deal with her betrayal?
I keep thinking, they had sex in the bed I sleep in.
Of everything he’s said, what are lies?
My son, age six, no longer sees his two cousins/best friends.
Living A Nightmare
It was a terrible betrayal on both their parts, not just hers.
However, you have to deal with them separately.
If you’re to stay with your husband, you must stop picturing them sexually. This is necessary no matter who was the other woman.
Get a new bed, change the room around, anything to end the images in your head.
Your marriage is the foundation to be strengthened now. Therapy together can help you air any of your lingering doubts and hurts, and allow him to open up about why he made what he must’ve known was the worst choice for an affair.
Your sister’s un-repented choice is a different matter. She may not be able to discuss it due to possible shame, jealousy, arrogance… etc.
If you want a relationship with her, you might have to make the first move, even suggesting counselling together.
It may be the only way you two and your children can have a connection again.
But if you can’t stomach seeing her, or still don’t trust her, focus on your own immediate family unit.
I moved cities and came back to visit my old friends but none of them even gave me an invitation or texted me to hang out together sometime.
Yet they already knew from Snapchat that I’d be visiting there.
Should I be mad? Should I have reached out to them?
If what they knew from Snapchat was general information to the group, it wasn’t personal.
They may’ve each expected you’d call about seeing them once you arrived.
As the visitor with free time, you needed to make the effort to find out which friends were available and when, then arrange to meet.
Yes, you should’ve reached out to them.
You can still do so by contacting each one, saying how sorry you are that you missed seeing them, and wishing them each a Happy New Year.
Next visit, make some individual plans ahead and call each friend personally when you arrive.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman catching a boyfriend looking at women’s profiles online, “without messaging them” (November 26):
Reader – “We are men. We look at beautiful women.
“Just looking means nothing about whether he cares about you.
“If you’re distrustful at this point in the relationship, he should dump you as you’re going to be a jealous person.
“Otherwise, accept that he’s a separate person from you.
“If he’s not texting these women, then he’s just being normal.”
FEEDBACK Regarding “un-friending” people on Facebook without insulting them (Nov. 24):
Reader – “If the writer accesses her privacy settings, where there’s a blocked list, there’s also a restricted list.
“Restricted” people can’t see any posts sent you, unless they’re made with the audience selected as “public.”
“But they still appear on the “friends” list.
“If someone wants to share something with close friends and family, it’s then not necessarily shared with people who are only acquaintances.”
Tip of the day:
When a partner’s betrayed you, focus on whether you still want the union, not on the affair person.