My live-in girlfriend of six years, whom I still love very much, has decided to leave me. 

Two years ago she found some computer links to pornography, and I denied going to these sites even though I was. Six months ago she again found several sites and I had to admit that I’ve had this problem for 10 years now.

Also, we’ve been having less and less sex in our relationship, during the last couple of years. I want to stop this, but I’m not sure whom I can talk to. I didn’t think about the consequences before but now that it’s out in the open I feel dirty and ashamed.

I’ve managed to stay away from it since I got caught, but obviously it’s something I need to address. I’m not sure what to do.

- Turning Point

Drop the gratuitous “dirty and ashamed” posture; you’ll be far more successful in your efforts if you take active responsibility for dealing with your addiction. You can now put to better use your competent computer skills, to search for professional help to overcome the Internet porn habit you’ve indulged. 

Your girlfriend gave you an important wake-up call to recognize how this behaviour can destroy relationships… in this case, leading you to lie, be secretive, and cheat her of a healthy sexual relationship, for years. And you showed no intention to stop until caught.

For a serious effort, research sites on addictive behaviour; then, search www.findatherapist.com to seek a local therapist specializing in behaviour modification strategies.

I met the most amazing man - kind, intelligent, handsome, with a great sense of humour. We get along exceptionally well, and share the same interests. 

We’ve been friends for a while, and I can’t stop thinking of him when we’re apart. It’s not just a sexual attraction; I feel genuinely happy whenever he comes to mind.

After six months it’s still unrelenting. However, we work together. I’ve always had a strict policy of not dating co-workers, but am so torn.

We’re both professionals who work shifts (so don’t work together a lot) and our employer doesn’t enforce a “no dating’ rule as many of our co-workers met their significant others at work.

We haven’t flirted at all, but I think he might just feel the same. What do I do?

- Unsure

Whoa! There’s been no substantial move on his part to indicate he feels anything beyond colleague friendship. A move on your part showing interest in dating him could embarrass both of you. 

So far, this sounds a lot more like daydreaming and fantasy than you want to admit. Reality check: The reason the book, He’s Just Not That Into You was so wildly successful a few years back, was it broke through such imaginings with hard facts.

This man has had ample opportunity to indicate any feelings for you. He’s done nothing, said nothing. You should do the same.

My (step) daughter-in-law is a successful professional but is distant with me. 

My grandchildren see their mother’s side much more than their father’s family.

As the stepmother, I especially feel like an outsider.

- Hurt

Your husband should be making efforts to have you treated as a full member of his family. If your stepson is distant, that’s for father and son to discuss. 

Your step-daughter-in-law is a busy, working mother; she’d likely appreciate any offer of help – e.g. cooking a dinner for everyone to have together – rather than your waiting for invitations.

My co-worker, 30-something, can be friendly and funny, but sometimes makes rude and hurtful comments like pointing out I have a lot of grey hair and split ends. I was stunned and attempted to defend myself. 

I’ve witnessed her talking down to people and making them feel stupid. She seems to enjoy picking at people’s flaws and I’m getting tired of it.

Should I ignore or avoid her?

- Fed Up

Ignore, avoid, confront… each is justifiable, if she frequently annoys you personally. Do not speak for others. The first two responses will ease your tension about her, but won’t encourage her to recognize and change her behaviour. 

Confronting her may achieve more, but only if you do it in a calm way, noting that her comments are offensive and interfere with your desire to be friendly with her, which you’d prefer.

If she doesn’t get it or care, default to AVOID.