I made a terrible mistake and had an affair two years ago. I was feeling unloved and unheard in my decade-old marriage.

I was caught. I ended the affair immediately, got us to a marriage counselor, and have been working very hard on my marriage and our family.

I thought we became stronger than ever. I’d never been so deeply in love with my husband.
Recently, he started talking about "swinging." I heard him out, thought hard about it, but decided that it isn’t for me.

I don’t wish to share myself with anyone but my husband, and don't want to share him with anyone else, especially now.

He now says monogamy isn't for him, although he claims he has no one else.

Since I’ve said No, he’s deciding whether he wants to be with me.

He doesn't want to hurt the children, but also doesn't want a traditional marriage - since it didn't work for us. What can I do here?

Wrenching Decision

Get back to counselling because you’re at a turning point as a couple and family.

He’s still hurt by the fact you were capable of being with someone else.

He now wants affirmation just as you did… that he’s attractive to others, not stuck in a so-called “traditional” marriage.

I’m not suggesting that you have to try “swinging.” Given your feelings, it’ll make things worse.

You may need to take a break, and let him work out his “back-at-you.”

But start with counselling and discuss all this with professional guidance.

My husband and I are expecting our first baby in January. My husband is openly stressed and sharing his concerns/anxieties regarding the birth and future pressures.

One ongoing conflict - he insists that he won't be changing any diapers, because it makes him sick. He has several relatives and friends who’ve said they didn't do diapers, so feels this is no big deal.

He means this for the whole time that our child is in diapers.

I'm feeling very angry and resentful. I worry that between breast feeding and diapering, I’ll feel very overwhelmed and unsupported.

I've mentioned my being away at an appointment, or out with friends. He insists I’ll need to bring the baby along.

He sees this baby as mostly my responsibility. I don't know how to communicate that I’ll need support throughout this transition just like he does, and with daily responsibilities, too.

Worried Mom-to-be

You’re winding each other up when you should be getting excited about the birth and the blessings of a life you two have created.

You’ll both have new responsibilities, that’s a given, but you’ll also have new rewards… a child who looks like you, and gives you total love and trust.

Yet you two are thinking only of negatives. Pressure and poop. It’d be funny if it weren’t sad that you’re having battles over these assumptions and fears.

His relatives who didn’t diaper are Neanderthals. Today’s fathers pitch in, because they respect their wives’ equality, and because they don’t want to be the distant dads of the past.

He can wear a mask if he’s so delicate of nose and stomach. Would he leave a pet dog wallowing in poop? Babies’ messes are a lot easier to handle, with disposable diapers.

Your man needs to face today’s realities. You will need to get out without a baby sometimes. If he won’t take responsibility, you will need paid childcare help.

Meanwhile, stop obsessing on the unknowns. You may both be mature enough to adjust, like most other new parents.

FEEDBACK Regarding the new mother whose husband had a job offer in Oxford (late summer column):

Reader – “As a Canadian living in Oxford and working at the University of Oxford myself, there’s a lot to think about when trying to move to England:

1. Husband’s UK salary - Childcare and private schooling is exceptionally expensive here. If they can't afford it, one parent needs to be the child’s caregiver. Will the mom have the necessary support here? Also, the cost of living in Oxford is very high.

2. Job prospects for the wife - Oxford is a small place. Although there are many random and academic jobs, depending on her field, she may need to go to London.

It means commuting three hours total per day, which is impractical with a child unless the husband’s willing to pull his weight.

Ellie – Unknown if they accepted, but all information gathering is worthwhile.