I've only been deeply in love with two people - the first woman I dated in college dumped me, without explanation, after six months when we were so close.
I'm 28 now, and my girlfriend of two years is a good person, family-minded, fun, easy to be with, and loves me, too. But I don't always feel that she actually gets me.
If I want to discuss something between us, she'll say she too wants to improve our relationship, but then she'll do exactly as she did before, e.g. make plans with friends without checking with me whether I had plans for us. Or decide to go somewhere with her sister at the last minute when I'm expecting we're spending that weekend together, etc.
We keep having the same conversation and never move forward. What can I do to get her to understand this is crucial to me? Or when do I just accept we're not a good match?
Set a time frame for connecting better, and make sure you're doing your part. That means, not haranguing her about her so-called mistakes, but rather expressing your feelings clearly and then looking for solutions.
Example: Get out both your smart phones or wherever you mark upcoming events and look at the calendar together. Mark the weekends when you want to have definite plans, as well as other important dates. Discuss when each of you are likely to see friends on your own, same with family, etc.
Use this same solution-based approach with other problems in the relationship, instead of trying to get her to see everything the same way you do.
The time frame isn't a threatened deadline, but rather a period in your own mind for how long you can try new approaches before deciding whether or not they're working.
My father-in-law's very controlling - one reason my husband was happy to be transferred to another city. But when we visit back home, we have to deal with his father 's plans, which he makes arbitrarily.
Recently, he'd arranged a father-son tennis tournament that occupied three nights a week, so we can't easily fit in going out with friends. Also, we miss seeing my family as often as we might want. Besides, it's all about my FIL's tennis skills, which he wants to show off, since he's invited his own friends and their sons to take part.
He also planned a weekend at a nearby resort for our kids, and us but didn't mention it to my parents who now feel they can't intrude. And, though he acts like we should be hugely grateful for his planning, my husband ends up paying the bill!
How can we handle this without causing a massive family rift, as my FIL will be very hurt and angry if we refuse any of his plans?
Plan way ahead for next year. Leave some time for his parents on their own, but set up an event or getaway with both your families, plus time alone with yours. Add definite time slots to be reserved for seeing your friends.
Your husband must inform his father of these plans well in advance and stand firm that you two are in charge of your visiting time. Though his father may balk initially, if you stick to this kind of pre-planning and hold firmly to it, he'll likely come to accept it.
Unless he's foolish and stubborn enough to risk not seeing his son, except for the briefest time.
My friend's are all fairly opinionated women and I mostly respect that, except when they find it necessary to critique how I'm living. We can have great conversations about world events, politics, the environment, and I don't mind sharing some personal stuff.
But whenever I veer from their way of doing things, several of them argue against it, judge it as all wrong, etc. even if it's about where my husband and I want to vacation (we like to go off the beaten track and they don't). What can I politely say to get them to MYOB about my personal choices?
Start with humor, as in "Thanks for the comments, I'll file them under 'future review'" (said with a smile). If that doesn't work, you can move to more direct stuff like, "We're happy with this place we chose, thanks." One more intrusion and you're entitled to say MYOB, period.
Tip of the day:
Give a partner and yourself enough time to adapt to your differences.