I’ve been seeing someone for 16 years; initially, I was married but separated, he was single. I’m 55; he’s 44. Eventually, he married. 

We had so many fall-outs, apart for months, then back to each other with the same passion. I have no desire for any other man, and have never met anyone.

He’s since had two daughters; I have two adult daughters.

I’ve been thinking, “What’s in this for me? Nothing.”

We only see each other for short intervals at my home. We fight about my not being able to see him often, since his job as a transit driver takes lots of time and he has a family.

I know there’s no hope, so why do I keep longing for him and aching? He’s the only man I’ve known since my ex.

- Confused

The bus needs to stop here, Now. Your letter is the turning point. 

You’ve spent years waiting for Mr. Transit because of your own inertia about moving forward in life, seeking real companionship, and taking the normal risks of a full relationship.

This has been an affair of the least giving on his part – a quick break on his route, a few words exchanged to maintain the thin connection. But NO real sharing, NO growing together, NO future even considered.

You’re a mature, independent woman who’s free to have a satisfying, joyful relationship, not one that clings to sex like stale glue with no long-term hold.

Give the guy a transfer!

My younger brother wants to introduce me to his girlfriend of one month, asking if he can bring her to our equine farm as her special-needs son loves horses. 

My brother has been married three times before and has had a long string of romantic relationships, all of which end badly, due to his excessive dependency, insensitivity and self-centeredness. I’ve been supportive and accepting of his wives.

After his last wife asked him to leave, I found him emotionally battered, and getting psychiatric help; I supported him, inviting him to stay on weekends, offered reassurance, affection, and encouragement. He promised he’d stay away from women for a while, and address his pressing problems of morbid obesity and dependency.

Now I feel he’s manipulating yet another woman by drawing her into our family. I don’t want to meet any more of his women, yet, I feel guilty over my harshness and wonder if it’s fair or wise.

- Bothered Brother

It’s called Setting Boundaries, and yes, it’s fair, wise, and necessary. 

Your brother has repeated his pattern so often that you’ve unwittingly blurred the lines between you being supportive and enabling him.

He’s always had you to back up his presentation of himself to women, as a “family guy” with access to a great environment to enjoy – i.e. your farm, and your hospitality.

Cut him loose from using you as a backdrop, but not loose from your strongly encouraging him to return to counselling help. You may even have to set up the first two appointments and get him there.

He needs a firm message from you (and hopefully from a therapist) that he’d be irresponsible to pursue this woman who already has her own issues to handle with her son.

Do NOT meet the woman. Your brother needs to act on his own, so she and any others can see him entirely as he is. But keep watch – he may sink deeper before he’s ready to face his own demons.

I’m 24, my boyfriend’s 42. We have common values, share many interests and dreams (including having a family) and have a great time together. 

But sometimes I worry that he’s set in his ways and has been alone too long.

I need to know we can build a life together, and also continue to evolve as individuals.

- Your Thoughts?

Age gap adjustment depends on the particular couple. Some that work: a mature younger person and a youthful older mate; or two people so like-minded in interests and pursuits that they’re completely in sync. 

You, however, have already expressed worries that reflect your insights to his nature.

He may want babies, but can he adjust to them and be a relaxed partner raising them?

Will he give you freedom to still see your younger friends, sometimes act your age, set new goals he didn’t anticipate?

These are questions you need to consider.