Looking for Love? Following are leftover questions from my live chat on this topic (July 23):
I’m 46 and catching the last train to have a child. I’ll probably use donors. I also want to find a partner and love relationship. I’m struggling to decide which one to do first.
You’ve set a goal with a physical deadline, so start trying to get pregnant.
See a fertility specialist who does a thorough examination and fully explains your chances. It then takes time to find a donor, and achieve conception.
Meanwhile, do NOT rush into a relationship as you could easily overlook red flags. No matter how strong your desire to find love, you need to get to know any candidate’s character.
Feeling trust and security beyond an attraction is even more important if a new baby will soon be in the picture. Even before you get pregnant, you need to proceed with awareness that this person will share the responsibility of your unborn child.
My wife’s a wonderful woman, fantastic mother, and I love her. But sometimes I’m not “in love” with her, because of unresolved issues between us.
Example: She’s almost bossy about our two young kids’ routines and how she runs the house. I agree with many of her ideas, she’s with the children a lot more than me, but I feel that my ideas are dismissed too easily, and that I’m second in her thoughts, never first.
But if there’s a late activity for the kids, they’re sick, or it’s been a busy day, any chance for lovemaking is over.
I’m looking for more love in my own home.
Tell your wife that it’s because you love her and hope to be together forever, that you believe couples’ counselling will be a great boost for your relationship.
Say that instead of blaming each other about some issues, therapy can help you both understand how to communicate and parent together better.
Present the idea of therapy as a teaching tool to improve your marriage through its phases, such as child rearing. You’ll learn strategies to adapt to new demands and realities when changes have taken place.
I’m a gay man and was with my last partner for 16 years. I’m shy, and don’t trust easily. For me to find someone to love again is going to be very hard (especially since I’m on my own because I discovered that my then-partner was not only cheating but had spent a lot of our joint savings account on drugs).
I have no idea how to meet someone who’d have the same goal – a lasting loyal romantic partnership.
The starting points are the same, whether you’re straight or gay. You want to meet new people, in general, to expand your network of acquaintances. So open your life up to new settings, new learning, new hobbies, and events.
Get out the door instead of sitting on the computer for hours. Pursue an interest, a course, a sport, etc.
One idea that’s worked for many: Get a dog and walk it. You’ll meet plenty of dog-lovers, so long as both you and your pet are friendly.
If you do go the online route, protect yourself. Be wary of any signal that a person only wants random hook-ups, since they won’t lead to anything more. Be very specific in your profile that you’re only seeking someone who’s also hoping for a serious relationship.
FEEDBACK “Your advice to Harsh Gossip Ahead (July 5, 2014) has me steaming! This woman sees herself and her cheating partner as "determined lovers seizing a wonderful chance," whereas she’s an immature lying, cheating, and selfish coward.
“Why would you advise her to hold her head up high to gossips? She betrayed her husband with his best friend.
“I feel very sad for all the collateral damage they’ve caused to their families. The only thing I agree with is counselling for those poor children (and spouses) to figure out how to cope with this huge betrayal.”
Ellie – I, too, feel great compassion for those affected by this couple’s affair, which is why I decided to focus on the absolute need for all involved to get professional help dealing with it.
Also, the more gossip this woman ignores, the sooner it’ll die down so the kids and ex-spouses aren’t badgered by it.
I was hoping for damage control.
Tip of the day:
When planning parenthood, finding trust and security with a partner is as important as finding love.